WAXBALL 2025
PAPI POOP AND KING DON
WAXBALL 2025 Week 17
OUR WAXBALL CHAMP AND OUR SHIT KING HAVE BEEN CROWNED.
WHICH BEGS THE QUESTION… WHAT DOES HAVI’S ASSHOLE ACTUALLY LOOK LIKE, AND IS IT AS UNKEMPT AS THEY SAY?
As always, I’m your completely neutral statman Nicholas Hamilton. Let’s wrap up Week 17 of Waxball 2025.
LITERAL BLUEBALLS
Late on in SNF, Milo (EvianDon) found himself panicking, needing to pad his numbers as much as possible to hang onto a high-scoring championship against Blue (BlueBalls). Both managers had players put up big numbers, with Brock Purdy finishing his season strong with three scores over 30 FFPs and Derrick Henry putting up his best PPR score since Week 2 of 2021.
Blue entered MNF needing Puka Nacua to score 16.5pts, a feat he’d only failed to complete thrice this season. Puka, whose average of 23.3pts is the highest of any WR this season, defied odds by dropping half of his targets and only going for 47yds on the night. A 50yd td on the Rams penultimate drive was chalked off due to a holding penalty, soon followed by a good td, but of only 11yds. If that td was of 20yds or more, Blue would be our champion.
Alas, a 50/50 no-catch call on the second-last play of the game sealed it for the Don, as he pulled away the 2025 WaxBall Championship by a miniscule 0.8pts, one of the tightest wins of the season.
Milo becomes an extremely unlikely victor on paper, as he never led the league and held a losing All-Play record, but came through in the clutch moments, winning all three of his playoff matches.
Blue put up an extremely valiant sophomore season after coming 6th in 2024. He ends this season with the highest PF/game, pipping Paul at the post by 0.25pts/game.
A massive congratulations to both men on a thrilling and competitive championship, one of the best matchups of the season. Milo takes home the grand prize of $900, while Blue has to settle for $200 and a Taiwanese rubdown. Bad luck.
HAVI NEW YEAR
^^ this was gonna be my caption whether he won or lost. I just think it’s clever.
Needing a multiple negative point game from Matthew Stafford in MNF, Havi (PapiCoop) was given false hope by three thrown INTs, but those dreams were shut down fast as the Rams came back from 21-0, allowing Trav (yumyucker)’s QB to put up more than enough points to save himself from calendar duties.
Havi never found himself higher than 6th in the Waxball 2025 standings, and spent 5 of the final 6 regular season weeks in 11th place. After taking a first round bye, he fell to last year’s winner in Christian (Steeler Virginity) before succumbing to Trav in the final week.
There have been two seasons of Waxball, and Havi has appeared in the last place game in both of them, saving himself from the wax last year but unable to avoid the calendar in 2025.
In a season that seemed to hinge directly upon the health of two players, Trav spent 4 weeks in last place before a late season surge. It narrowly wouldn’t project him into the playoffs, as he put up the highest score in a loss this season in Playoff Week 1 to fall to Sam and fell to a surging commissioner Miles last week, but was finally able to pull out the necessary win against Havi to save himself from baring his asshole to his friends while on tour.
Waxball has always been and will always be about the loser. Havi joins the likes of Mosko as our punished managers. And I, personally, can’t wait to get my calendar in the mail.
FIRST PLACE CURSE
Astonishingly, for the second-year running, our regular season league leader has failed to win any playoff games, as Paul (helloimpaul) finishes 4th and outside of the rewards entirely.
After spending Weeks 6-14 in 1st place with the highest PF in the regular season, Paul looked like a shoe-in, at least to make the final. Alas, he was unable to put up over 120pts since Week 12, as his roster weakened at the worst possible time. He put up the lowest score of the week to hand 3rd-place to Mosko (fantasyboy12345) and leaves the 2025 season empty handed.
Mosko, our Waxball loser in 2024, jumped up the ranks this season in a big way, only ever seeing the bottom-6 twice all season. He did put up the season’s lowest score, 61pts in Week 11, but that didn’t stop him from surging during the playoffs, falling only to Blue last week.
This first place curse will be one to keep an eye on as the seasons roll on.
I can’t believe it’s all over. Fantasy 2025 has come and gone like the wind. One man is a lot of money richer. One man… well one man is about to become a lot closer with all of us.
I love you lads. Thank you for another incredible Waxball season. I will be back with a vengeance in 2026.
Until… next season, here’s me saying goodbye. Goodbye!
CHAMPIONSHIP WAXBALL
WAXBALL 2025 Week 16
AND THEN. THERE WERE FOUR.
As always, I’m your thought I was gonna do better but somehow ended up in 5th with a record of 9-7 which is the exact same as last season so what the fuck, completely neutral statman Nicholas Hamilton. Let’s wrap up Week 16 of Waxball 2025, and preview the CHAMPIONSHIP.
TOPS
We forget, but there is more at stake in this league than getting naked twelve times and it being printed out and shared amongst your friends. There’s money in this too.
After an unbelievable rookie season, no one expected our league leader to fall at the first hurdle. Alas, Paul (helloimpaul; 119.06pts) put up under 120pts for the fourth week running and was subsequently bested by our other newbie in Milo (EvianDon; 138.8pts) who scored over 120pts for the sixth time in the last 8 weeks.
Blue (blueballs; 158pts) put up by far his best score all season, defeating Mosko (egonschiele; 109.7pts) who tried to pull an Erik and changed his name for the battle. It proved fruitless as he was unable to follow up last week’s scorcher (154.8pts) and falls to the 3rd place match.
Mosko was only out of the playoff picture for two weeks all season and sat on the podium for half of the entire regular season. He’ll look to complete his up and down fantasy year with a podium finish against league leader Paul, who looks to avoid the first-place-curse forged by Sam in 2024, who ended the regular season on top and lost both playoff matches to finish in 4th. Whomever wins this battle will receive their buy-in back.
Blue has been on fire in his sophomore fantasy season, yet has only led the league once all year, back in Week 5. Milo started the season cold, before winning 5 of his final six games and rising up the ranks. He held the second-place spot from Weeks 11-13, before Blue pipped him at the post in Week 14 to steal a first-round bye. Milo’s season may be seen as a fortunate one, as if he played every manager every week, he would have a losing record of 73-81. Blue tops that table, with a record of 102-52. The two have only played each other once this season, with Milo coming out on top 155.42-112.52 in Week 10.
The winner of this final battle will take home $900. The loser — $200.
BOTTOMS
Alright, come on. This is what we’re here for. Who is going to lose Waxball 2025 and join Mosko in the ranks of punishment-dom.
In a week of stunners, commissioner Miles (Daddy Campbell; 151.1pts) put up by far his highest score of the season in a year that he only scored 120pts+ twice, this week and Week 14. Trav (yumyucker; 87.52pts) put up his second-lowest score all season this week. His lowest? 79.52pts… scored in a Week 6 loss… against commissioner Miles. Talk about bogey teams. Last week, Trav scored the highest point total in a loss by anyone all season (147.82pts).
Havi (PapiCoop; 96.96) ended the regular season in 11th, after losing 9 of his final 11 games. He’s scored over 100pts only once since Week 10, not including last week’s bye. Havi fell to Christian (Steeler Virginity; 139.94pts) last week, who breathes easy after putting up his best total since Week 11.
This championship week, we find two men at the bottom of the mountain of shit, begging for a morsel of success (or luck) to help pull them up and away from the calendar punishment.
These managers played each other twice in the regular season, with a record of 1-1. Most recently, Trav put up his season-highest score of 170.62pts to trounce Havi by over 40pts in Week 13.
Anything can happen this week, including your bare asshole being seen by eleven other men.
ELSEWHERE
Not that any of this matters, but here are the results and implications of our 5th and 8th place matchups:
Nic and Erik both ended their seasons in dismal fashion, scoring below 100pts and securing 5th and 6th place, respectively. We should both feel ashamed and lucky that we weren’t competing in the toilet bowl.
Sam and Will battled it out until the end in a tight matchup (113.8-116.94) to secure 8th place for Will and 9th for Sam.
Our final week is upon us. It’s been an incredible season. To our remaining few, may the odds be ever in your favour. To the rest of us… lmk if you want to borrow my gun.
Until… next time (?), here’s me saying goodbye. Goodbye!
I BOUGHT THIS GUN TO SHOOT MYSELF WITH
WAXBALL 2025 Week 15
Congratulations are in order for some. Commiserations for others. I’m gonna unalive Milo’s dog.
As always, I’m your dejected, and yet, completely neutral statman Nicholas Hamilton. Let’s wrap up Week 15 of Waxball 2025.
TOPS
In the top half of the table, Milo (EvianDon; 161.38pts) blew his opponent out of the water with his season-highest score at the most opportune time. His opponent scored a measly 98.64pts, his second-lowest score all season and only the second week he’s put up under 100pts.
It’s heartbreak for Erik, who lost out on a first-week bye by 0.74 PF and falls at the first playoff hurdle. Despite putting up his highest score in three weeks, Erik (Linda Caruso; 124.74pts) fell to an unlikely Goliath in Mosko (Pam Ohno Dagoberg; 154.8pts), who inherited the mom name curse to put up his highest score since Week 2 of the regular season. After squeaking into the playoffs on PF, it’s Mosko’s second win in a row, after losing five consecutive games, after winning three in a row from Weeks 6-8.
The season is over for myself and Erik, who will play for 5th place in Week 16. Milo faces league-leader Paul (helloimpaul; 10-4) and Mosko finds second-place Blue (blueballs; 9-5) to compete for a spot in the final. Milo fell to Paul by over 40pts in Week 4 and Mosko put up the lowest score of anyone this season in Week 11 to fall to Blue (61.14-138.5).
BOTTOMS
As Havi and Miles sat this week out, two polar opposite matchups played out in the first round of the toilet bowl.
In one of the highest-scoring matchups of the year, Trav (yumyucker; 147.82pts)’s monster score couldn’t best Sam (mistahbigdick; 166.12pts), who put up this week’s highest score and his highest score of the season by over 23pts. It’s an unlucky break for Trav who will hope to escape the calendar with a confident win over 12th-place Miles (Daddy Campbell; 4-10). When these two played in Week 6, Miles pulled out the win in a low-scoring matchup (92.56-79.52).
Christian (Steeler Virginity; 84.18pts) continued his poor run of form, as his score dropped for the fifth consecutive week and he fell to Will (Leaping Jesters; 119.5pts), who continued last season’s trend of winning the first toilet bowl game to save himself from punishment. Will’s was the third-lowest score this week, with Christian putting up the lowest and heading towards a matchup with 11th-place Havi (PapiCoop; 4-10) to save his season. The pair’s only matchup came in Week 7, when Christian lost to Havi in a close one (133.26-128.22).
Will and Sam will face off for 8th place in Week 16, meaning both will finish in a lower position than they did last season, albeit with two new managers gracing the league in 2025.
BYES SAY HI’S
Our top two and our bottom two are back in the game this week, as Paul and Blue fight to secure their rightful place in the final, and Havi and Miles vow to upset the natural order of things and fling their opponents into a calendar battle.
A reminder of the stakes:
Whoever makes it to the final is guaranteed money. First overall wins $900, second-place wins $200. The losers of Paul v Milo and Blue v Mosko will have a chance at $100 in Week 17 as they fight for 3rd-place.
Sam and Will are no longer up for the calendar, as Miles, Havi, Christian and Trav are now our lone contenders. The losers of this week’s toilet bowl matchups will compete in Week 17 to not have to endure the shame of a full calendar spread… and I do mean spread.
I’m deleting the Sleeper app. See you guys in 8 months.
Until next time, here’s me saying goodbye. Goodbye!
PLAYOFF WAXBALL
WAXBALL 2025 Week 14
We’ve made it.
The 2025 Waxball Playoffs are nigh.
But who cares about that top 6? All eyes fall on…
THE TOILET BOWL.
As always, I’m your relieved, ecstatic, pre-cumming a little bit, completely neutral statman Nicholas Hamilton. Let’s wrap up Week 14 of Waxball 2025.
A GAME OF INCHES
MNF of Week 14 provided some stellar storylines, as seasons were saved and byes were procured in the final quarter of play.
In order to make the playoffs, Mosko (fantasyboy12345; 97.82pts) needed a win against Christian (Steeler Virginity; 69.7pts) and for Will (Leaping Jesters; 125.66pts) to lose his matchup. In the end, Saquon Barkley was unable to pull out 7.7 more points in a scrappy Eagles v Chargers game as Will fell to Miles (Daddy Campbell; 133.36pts) — who chose this week to put up his highest score of the season by over 15pts — securing 6th place for Mosko.
As it happens, luck played a huge factor as Will put up the third-highest score of the week and Mosko put up the ninth-highest. It’s Mosko’s first win in six weeks and Will’s second loss on the trot.
Higher up in the table, Blue (blueballs; 117.3pts) just needed Jalen Hurts to score positive points in MNF to secure a first week playoff bye. This proved more difficult than expected, as Hurts became the first quarterback in history to record two turnovers on the same play and completed the game with a statline of 240yd-0td-4int-1fum and a fantasy score of 0.4pts.
Blue squeaks by Erik (Camryn Manheim; 112.58pts) in the table by 0.74 PF to claim second-place and a first-week bye. A tough loss for Blue’s opponent Sam (mistahbigdick; 111.04pts), who lost his playoff spot in a much closer matchup than anticipated.
BROKEN RECORDS
A tough few days for Trav (yumyucker; 103.94pts) as his nose became fucked up and he was unable to reward his promising second-half of the season as he fell to Nic (Dickless Cameltoe; 136.96pts) — who put up the week’s highest score for the first time this season to maintain 5th and secure a playoff spot.
Trav’s Week 14 score is his second-lowest since Rashee Rice and Ceedee Lamb became available in Week 7. He ends the season on 6-8 after starting 1-5. A valiant effort that he’ll hope to keep up in order to avoid the calendar.
LOOKING AHEAD
Now let’s get to what happens next, what we’ve all been waiting for:
THE PLAYOFFS
Paul wins the regular season as the only manager on 10-4, securing a first-week playoff bye along with Blue who just squeaks in ahead of Erik on PF.
ERIK v MOSKO (3rd v 6th)
Mosko’s last-gasp effort to make the playoffs puts him in a formidable matchup against Erik, who has lost only once in the last nine weeks.
These two played each other twice in the regular season, with a record of 1-1 after Mosko was victorious in Week 2 and Erik took the win in Week 13.
Over the last six weeks, Mosko has a record of 1-5 and an average of 92.33pts/week. Erik’s record in that period stands at 5-1, with an average of 122.36pts/week.
Regardless of the result, Mosko will breathe relatively easy this week, knowing that we will not have the same Waxball loser in 2025 as in 2024. Erik ends the regular season with the same record as in 2024 of 9-5. He ended that season in 2nd after losing to Christian in the final.
The winner of this matchup will play Blue (2nd) in Week 16.
MILO v NIC (4th v 5th)
With his Week 14 loss, Milo falls from 2nd to 4th and will face Nic in Round 1. Nic came out on top when these two played in Week 8 — 112.56-84.98.
From Week 9 to 12, Milo put up over 129pts each matchup, but has since followed that stretch up with two scores under 110pts. His score of 77.18pts in Week 14 is his lowest this season, as Nic put up his highest-score this season in the same week (136.96pts).
Week 14 was the third time Milo has scored under 100pts this season — he’s followed up the other two instances with a score of over 128pts.
Nic (8-6) improved on his record of 7-7 last year as he makes the playoffs for the first time. He won both loser’s bracket games last season to end up in 5th place.
The winner of this matchup will play Paul (1st) in Week 16.
WILL v CHRISTIAN (7th v 10th)
The last time these two met was way back in Week 4, when Will crushed Christian by over 40pts. Since Week 6, neither manager has been unable to string together two wins in a row, with Christian going 4-10 on the season despite having the highest PF in the bottom-7.
The Jesters have been out of the top-6 for only three weeks this season. It’s bound to be a disappointing result, as Will’s strong start of 5-1 had us all wondering if he was going to redeem himself after a dismal 1-13 record in 2024. Last season, Will won both loser’s bracket games to finish the year in 7th out of 10.
The winner of Waxball 2024, Christian is on a run of 3L in a row, after putting up 155.54pts in Week 11. In fact, in all four of his wins this season, Christian scored more than 135pts. He’s yet to lose more than three consecutive games this season.
The loser of this matchup will play Havi (11th) in Week 16.
SAM v TRAV (8th v 9th)
In Week 8, Trav trounced Sam 137.12-99.02pts in the first week that Rashee Rice was active.
Trav ended last season in 3rd after going 9-5 on the regular season and beating Sam in the bronze medal matchup.
Sam went an impressive 10-4 in 2024, but failed to win either playoff match and ended the season in 4th place.
Since they played last, the two managers have the same record of 3-3, though Sam averaged 109.4pts/week in that period, compared to Trav’s 126.6pts/week.
The loser of this matchup will play Miles (12th) in Week 16.
SUPERLATIVES
As the regular season comes to a close, here are some fun facts before the serious business of playoff football begins:
HIGHEST SCORE
🥇 Paul (179.94pts — Week 6)
🥈 Erik (174.28pts — Week 10)
🥉 Paul (171.58pts — Week 4)
LOWEST SCORE
🥇 Mosko (61.14pts — Week 11)
🥈 Will (63.72pts — Week 11)
🥉 Christian (69.7pts — Week 14)
BIGGEST BLOWOUT
🥇 Erik (+85.18pts — v Trav/Week 10)
🥈 Blue (+77.36pts — v Mosko/Week 11)
🥉 Mosko (+71.96pts — v Erik/Week 2)
TIGHTEST WIN
🥇 Trav (+0.02pts — v Nic/Week 3)
🥈 Sam (+0.08pts — v Miles/Week 2)
🥉 Blue (+0.4pts — v Nic/Week 4)
LOWEST SCORE IN WIN
🥇 Havi (78.5pts — v Will (63.72pts)/Week 11)
🥈 Will (90.42pts — v Sam (81.02pts)/Week 12)
🥉 Sam (91.94pts — v Havi (91.94pts)/Week 10)
HIGHEST SCORE IN LOSS
🥇 Paul (144.16pts — v Trav (150.22pts)/Week 12)
🥈 Nic (138.9pts — v Blue (140.3pts)/Week 4)
🥉 Mosko (134.74pts — v Blue (138.2pts)/Week 5)
LONGEST WIN STREAK
Milo (5W — Week 9-13)
Erik (5W — Week 6-10)
LONGEST LOSING STREAK
Mosko (5L — Week 9-13)
MOST IMPROVED (compared to reg season 2024)
Will (1-13 ⬆️ 7-7)
BIGGEST FALL (compared to reg season 2024)
Christian (8-6 ⬇️ 4-10)
Miles (8-6 ⬇️ 4-10)
If the season was decided by All-Play (your record if you played every other manager every week), the table would look like this:
The playoffs are here. Four managers will exit this week, four will move onto the semis, and four will continue to play to avoid the calendar in Week 16.
I’m literally fucking cumming about it.
Until next time, here’s me saying goodbye. Goodbye!
THANKS GIVETH AND THANKS TAKETH AWAY
WAXBALL 2025 Week 13
Manheim joins Legallet in the playoffs as two men huddle around a lowly commissioner in the toilet bowl.
As always, I’m your full of stuffing, out of thanks, completely neutral statman Nicholas Hamilton. Let’s wrap up Week 13 of Waxball 2025.
TRAVVING HIS BEST
After a dismal first half to the season, Trav (yumyucker; 170.62pts) has continued his resurgence by putting up the week’s highest score for the second consecutive matchup. AJ Brown (35.2pts) and Rashee Rice (29.4pts)’s highest PPR scores this season helped him in defeating 11th-place Havi (PapiCoop; 127.24pts), despite Havi putting up the third-highest score of the week.
In spite of his second win in a row, 6-7 Trav stays 9th and will need a win and some help in Week 14 to take a playoff spot and avoid the toilet bowl.
Trav goes up against 5th-place Nic (Dickless Cameltoe; 7-6) this week, who put up the second-highest score of Week 13. Havi will hope to avoid a first week toilet bowl bye by defeating league-leader Paul (helloimpaul; 9-4), who in Week 13 suffered his second loss in a row for the first time this season.
LAST MINUTE MANHEIM
It took until the Patriots’ final drive on MNF for Milo (EvianDon; 108.52pts) to secure his tightest win of the season over Christian (Steeler Virginity; 105.24pts), sealing both of their fates in the process.
Milo’s record 5th win in a row, the longest streak of anyone this season, took him from 8th- to 2nd-place in the span of those five weeks. His average score over that victorious streak is 134.88pts/week, compared to his 107.93pts/week average prior. By adding another W, he secures his place in the playoffs and avoids the calendar spread.
Christian’s loss cements his unlucky season as he secures his place in the toilet bowl. His PF is the highest in the bottom 8 and he’s the only losing-record manager with a higher PF than his PA. He’ll look to avoid a first week toilet bowl bye against 8th-place Mosko (fantasyboy12345; 6-7) who he fell to by over 30pts in Week 3.
In the first such case this season, a manager will face their mom for the second time, as 2nd-place Milo faces 3rd-place Erik (Camryn Manheim; 8-5) who trounced him in Week 3. The winner of this matchup may well secure that coveted first week bye.
UNICSPECTED
Prior to this week, Paul (helloimpaul; 80.5pts) hadn’t scored less than 110pts since Week 8 and had only done so twice all season, both resulting in a loss. His season-low score comes at an inopportune time, as Paul failed to secure a first week playoff bye and allowed Nic (Dickless Cameltoe; 127.84pts) to leapfrog back into the playoff picture.
Holding the top two scoring QBs of the week in his roster helped Nic put up the second-highest score on the week and his highest score since Week 9 to get revenge on Paul’s Week 2 victory. The unexpected win carries Nic to 5th-place before he faces Waxball’s most in-form manager in 9th-place Trav (yumyucker; 6-7) in Week 14. The two highest scoring Week 13 managers both need a win to keep our playoff hopes alive.
Paul can secure that first week bye with a win against 11th-place Havi (PapiCoop; 4-9), who in Week 13 outscored Paul for the first time since Week 8.
WHAT’S ‘L’ IN FRENCH?
Sitting in Paris admiring the big tower and eating croissants and wearing little hats can be distracting. So distracting, it seems, that Mosko (fantasyboy12345; 80.68pts) succumbed to suffering his 5th defeat in a row, the longest losing streak of anyone this season. The loss puts him Mosko in dire straits — just three weeks out from holding a podium spot he sits in 8th, his first time out of the playoff picture since Week 1. He’ll need a win against 10th-place Christian (Steeler Virginity; 4-9) and some help elsewhere to avoid a toilet bowl berth and a chance at a second-consecutive Waxball punishment.
Mosko’s loss came at the hands of Erik (Linda Caruso; 113.44pts) whose 2-word-mom-name curse continued to only ever be disproven by league-leader Paul in Week 11. It’s Erik’s 7th win in 8 weeks after going 1-4 to start the season. He sits in 3rd and will likely receive a first week playoff bye with a Week 14 win against 2nd-place Milo, who started the two-word-mom-name curse with his defeat in Week 3.
MILES AWAY
Commissioner Miles (Daddy Campbell; 107.04pts) fell to Sam (mistahbigdick; 115.92pts) to remain the sole manager with only three wins on the season. Miles has now spent seven weeks in 12th-place, the most of anyone this season ahead of Trav with five weeks.
With his highest-scoring player in Justin Herbert banged up ahead of Week 14, Miles will have to scrap out a win over 7th-place Will (Leaping Jesters; 7-6) and avoid a first week toilet bowl bye, though Havi and Christian would both have to lose and score much less than Miles for him to do so.
With the tight win, Sam pushes back into the playoff picture for the first time since Week 7. Since Week 4, Sam has followed up every 100pt+ score with a sub-100pt score the next week, which bodes well for his Week 14 opponent in 4th-place Blue (blueballs; 8-5). Blue defeated Sam in Week 3, which kicked off a three-game win streak for him.
FALLING JESTERS
Failing to follow up last week’s win with a victory over Blue (blueballs; 108.6pts), Will (Leaping Jesters; 76.44pts) put up under 100pts for the fourth time in five weeks to fall to 7th-place and out of the playoff picture for the first time since Week 1.
Not a player on Will’s roster was able to put up over 18pts as he scored the week’s lowest total for the third time this season, tied-most with 11th-place Havi. With the lowest PF among the winning-record managers, he’ll look to scrape into the playoffs with a win over commissioner Miles (Daddy Campbell; 3-10), our last-place manager. Over the last three weeks, Will holds an average of 76.86pts/week, whereas Miles has a 93.1pts/week average.
Despite the win, Blue failed to hold onto 3rd-place as Erik outscored him by 4.84pts and nudged him down to 4th. Blue faces 6th-place Sam (mistahbigdick; 7-6) in Week 14, as a win for Blue secures his spot in the playoffs and perhaps even a first week bye.
I tried to math out everyone’s paths, but it got even too confusing for me.
Bottom line is, everyone from places 3-9 is still up for playoffs. Erik and Blue are through with a win. Myself, Sam, Will, Mosko and Trav not only need a win but also some help from our fellow managers.
It’s all to play for. Godspeed, gents.
Until next time, here’s me saying goodbye. Goodbye!
COMMISH SITS ATOP THE PORCELAIN THRONE
WAXBALL 2025 Week 12
The perennial top seed has secured his place in the playoffs, whilst his commissioner instead smells of shit and of piss.
As always, I’m your on the ropes, lucky duckling, completely neutral statman Nicholas Hamilton. Let’s wrap up Week 12 of Waxball 2025.
DAVID FLESH WOUNDS GOLIATH
As recently as Week 7, Trav (yumyucker; 150.22pts) was in 12th-place and had been there since Week 4. The man has never been above 9th-place all season. His average score prior to this week was 92.72pts.
So, although his form had bettered in recent matchups due to the return of Ceedee Lamb and Rashee Rice, his Week 12 win against league leader Paul (helloimpaul; 144.16pts) was perhaps the most unexpected result this season.
Trav pulled off his highest score of 2025 to squeak out a win against a manager in Paul who has only scored outside of the top half of the week twice this season. It’s Trav’s first instance scoring the week’s highest total and it came at an opportune time, as Paul put up the second-highest score this week.
Four of Trav’s five victories this season have come against a manager at least seven spots above him in the table at the time, this being the second time this season that he’s beaten a manager eleven places above him (v BlueBalls; Week 7).
The win boosts Trav up two places into 8th, likely needing to win out to have a chance at the playoffs. His first chance comes in Week 13 against 11th-place Havi (PapiCoop; 4-8) who he fell to 113pts-102.7pts in Week 2.
Despite the loss, Paul becomes our first certain playoff participant as he’ll look to secure a first week bye next week against 7th-place Nic (Dickless Cameltoe; 6-6) who he defeated by less than 10pts in Week 2.
GOLDEN THRONE
Seemingly written in the stars, Waxball commissioner Miles Elliot (Daddy Campbell; 92.92pts) has fallen to his fellow Miles (blueballs; 137.36pts) to take the first toilet bowl slot of the season.
Blue took down Miles in a similar fashion to Week 1, when he also beat his ex-roommate by over 30pts. Erik choosing not to field a TE in Week 12 (more on that later) meant Blue ended the week with a more favorable PF by just 0.86pts, jumping onto the podium for the first time since Week 6.
Similar to Will and the Leaping Jesters last season, Miles has somehow procured both the lowest PF and the highest PA on the 2025 season. His second consecutive loss comes despite his roster holding the week’s two highest scoring defenses and 4th-best kicker.
In Week 13, Miles will look to pull himself out of a first week playoff bye against 8th-place Sam (mistahbigdick; 6-6) who he lost to by an agonising 0.08pts in Week 2. Blue faces a similar challenge, as he matches up against 5th-place Will (Leaping Jesters; 7-5) who defeated him in Week 2 by a mere 2.76pts.
LOOSE END
This week, Erik (Donna Engelhardt; 131.84pts) made use of a tactic I haven’t seen before. Instead of picking up a tight end on the waiver wire and replacing a solid bench player, he decided to keep Gadsden in his lineup, despite the Chargers being on bye.
Ultimately, the tactic yielded a temporary result, as he triumphed over an in-form Christian (Steeler Virginity; 111.44pts) but lost his 3rd-place slot to Blue by 0.86 PF. Time will tell if this decision punishes Erik, as he faces two playoff opponents in Mosko and Milo to end the season.
Christian was unable to follow up his dominant win against Trav last week as he put up the 7th-highest score of Week 12 to fall to Erik. Christian has won 2 and last 2 in the past four weeks, scoring the top score of the week twice and the 7th-highest score twice. Consistently inconsistent.
He’ll look to keep his playoff hopes alive by winning both games against Milo and Mosko in Weeks 13 and 14, opponents he lost both games to early on in the season.
JAYDROP MOSKOSLIPS
Cast your mind back to Week 8. Mosko (fantasyboy12345) was sitting pretty in second, coming off a three-game win streak. He was hot on the heels of league leader Paul, sitting equal to him on record (6-2) and only 11.24pts behind on PF.
Now, only four weeks later, we’re seeing why the phrase “one shalt not direct a play during football season” is so famous.
Mosko (112.56pts) fell to 2nd-place Milo (EvianDon; 134.84pts) for the second time this season, extending his losing streak to 4L, the longest of anyone in 2025.
Since Week 8, Mosko has averaged 93.86pts/wk, compared to his average of 128.88pts/wk in the first eight weeks of the season. His great start to the season has saved him, as he sits in a playoff spot for the 11th week running, albeit only by 32.12 PF.
A tricky end of season schedule awaits Mosko as he faces Erik and Christian, managers who hold an average of 127.04pts/wk and 135.47pts/wk respectively over the past four weeks.
Milo successfully swept Mosko to remain in 2nd and extend his win streak to 4W, the equal-longest of the season. He also faces Christian and Erik to end the season, with just one more win securing his place in the playoffs.
WILLING IT
In a matchup that would end up determining who holds a playoff spot and who sits in 8th, Will (Leaping Jesters; 90.42pts) took a low-scoring win over Sam (mistahbigdick; 81.02pts) to get revenge on Week 1’s trouncing.
Similarly to Mosko, Will was sitting in a podium spot just 4 weeks ago. He’s scored less than 100pts only four times this season, three of which have come in the last four weeks. Will faces Blue and Christian to end the season, hoping to repeat his Week 2 and 3 wins against them to shore up a spot in the playoffs.
Sam was unable to recreate last week’s win against Nic (Dickless Cameltoe) as he continues his inconsistent season — yet to put together a winning or losing streak of longer than two games. He slips back to 8th, where he has now placed thrice this year. Sam faces the two Miles’ back-to-back to end the regular season.
PAPI POOP?
After his first victory in four matchups last week, Havi (PapiCoop; 71.56pts) put up a score under 90pts for the third consecutive week to fall to Nic (Dickless Cameltoe; 101.18pts). It’s Havi’s lowest score of the season and his third time scoring the week’s lowest total.
Havi’s record from Week 3-10 was WLLLWLLL, a trend he looks to continue if he loses the next two games against a tricky Trav and Paul double punch. If he does so, he will almost definitely be in line for a first week toilet bowl bye.
I (Dickless Cameltoe; 6-6) got lucky this week, as I failed to score above 104pts for the third week running yet still pulled off the season sweep on Havi. I ended the 2024 season 7-7, a record I’ll likely have to improve on in order to make the playoffs. It’s unlikely, as I face the same strong pair of Paul and Trav to end the season.
A win for Milo shores up a place in the playoffs, as Paul can secure a first week bye with one more victory.
Conversely, Havi and Christian must win out and get some help elsewhere to avoid the porcelain throne.
Happy Thanksgiving faggies. May you all have a wonderful holiday whilst scoring as little as possible :)
Until next time, here’s me saying goodbye. Goodbye!
BREAKING: ZED NOW THE ALPHABET’S SECOND LETTER
WAXBALL 2025 Week 11
The fantasy world shakes off yet another weird week as a bottle of water takes a podium spot… kinda out of nowhere?
As always, I’m your beat down, coming to terms with being in the toilet bowl, completely neutral statman Nicholas Hamilton. Let’s wrap up Week 11 of Waxball 2025.
EVIANDON TOP
After spending eight consecutive weeks in the middle of the pack, Milo (EvianDon; 129.42pts) broke out of 5th-8th place to claim a podium spot for the first time since Week 2. It comes after Milo put up the third-highest score of the week, his third consecutive week in the top three scores, to confidently beat Miles (Daddy Campbell; 79.34pts) who was unable to follow up last week’s win with a score in the top half of Week 11.
Milo’s third win in a row puts him firmly in 2nd, the only manager on 7-4 behind first place Paul (helloimpaul) on 9-2.
In Week 12, Milo will face 5th-place Mosko (fantasyboy12345; 6-5). Milo’s average score of 117.68pts/week sits just above Mosko’s 117.63pts/week. When they first played in Week 1, Milo came out on top 118.48-91.12.
WITCH BURNED
If anyone was to end the two-name-mom spell it was always going to be Paul (helloimpaul; 122.22pts) as Erik (Marie Legallet; 88.2pts) was taken down for the first time since Week 5.
In the battle of the then-top-2, Paul went into MNF needing 19.7pts. George Pickens and Dak Prescott ended up combining for 53.72pts on the night to help him to his third consecutive win. Paul’s score of 122.22pts was only the 6th-best on the week, making this the fourth time in five weeks that his score hasn’t broken the top-3 of the week, although he still maintains the best PF by almost 100pts.
Erik falls to 3rd as he prepares to get revenge against Christian (Steeler Virginity; 4-7) who trounced him in Week 1. Christian, coming off the highest score of Week 11 by a mile, will look to continue to march up the table and clamber out of a toilet bowl spot for the first time since Week 1.
Paul will look to repeat his battering of Trav (yumyucker; 4-7) in Week 1 and maintain the gap between him and the rest of the pack to ensure a first-week-playoff-bye. Trav suffered his second loss on the trot in Week 11 and threatens to fall back to 12th with a loss this week.
MOSK-LOW
After starting the season 6-2, Mosko (fantasyboy12345; 61.14pts) put up the lowest score of the entire Waxball season this week to fall to a high-scoring Blue (blueballs; 138.5pts) and extend his losing streak to 3L. Mosko drops down to 5th as a result, making it his first week out of the top-3 since Week 5.
It was a weird week for Waxball, as the prior season’s lowest score of 70.3pts was broken twice just this week, as Will (Leaping Jesters; 63.72pts) tried to beat his own Week 6 record. This allowed Havi (PapiCoop; 78.5pts) to somehow pull out the win against the Jesters, despite scoring the lowest winning score of the season. A manager has won despite scoring less than 100pts only three other times this season, and all three of those scores were in the 90s.
Only six managers scored over 104pts this week, reminiscent of Week 6 in which only three managers scored over 120pts.
Will and Mosko, who both held a podium spot as recent as Week 8, now cling onto the bottom rungs of the playoffs and risk falling into the toilet bowl with tricky matchups in Week 12. Will faces fellow 6-5 manager Sam (mistahbigdick; 7th) and Mosko will match up against newly crowned 2nd-place Milo (EvianDon; 7-4).
WE MEET AGAIN
Week 12 will see a repeat of the Week 1 matchups, so let’s look back at what was happening all those months ago.
NIC v HAVI
THEN:
Nic 107.42 (6th) def. Havi 81.92 (12th)
NOW:
Nic 5-6 (8th ⬇️2) - Havi 4-7 (10th ⬆️2)
BLUE v MILES E.
THEN:
Blue 127.68 (3rd) def. Miles E. 95.72 (8th)
NOW:
Blue 6-5 (4th ⬇️1) - Miles E. 3-8 (12th ⬇️4)
MILO v MOSKO
THEN:
Milo 118.48 (5th) def. Mosko 91.12 (10th)
NOW:
Milo 7-4 (2nd ⬆️3) - Mosko 6-5 (5th ⬆️5)
CHRISTIAN v ERIK
THEN:
Christian 136.92 (2nd) def. Erik 83.94 (11th)
NOW:
Christian 4-7 (9th ⬇️7) - Erik 6-5 (3rd ⬆️8)
PAUL v TRAV
THEN:
Paul 118.72 (4th) def. Trav 94.8 (9th)
NOW:
Paul 9-2 (1st ⬆️3) - Trav 4-7 (11th ⬇️2)
SAM v WILL
THEN:
Sam 142.76 (1st) def. Will 112.56 (7th)
NOW:
Sam 6-5 (7th ⬇️6) - Will 6-5 (6th ⬆️1)
We’ll revisit these matchups and compare them to Week 12’s scores this time next week :)
PAIN.
I don’t wanna talk about it.
Miles Elliot must now win the rest of the season’s games and get a lot of help from the rest of the table to keep his playoff hopes alive.
Conversely, one more win for Paul shores up a playoff berth.
It’s all to play for, and I’m all to gay for.
Until next time, here’s me saying goodbye. Goodbye!
KING LEGALLET AND THE QUEEN MOTHER GO TO WAR
WAXBALL 2025 Week 10
The playoff picture shifts entirely as a new hottie enters the villa… and it’s your mom??
As always, I’m your good-while-it-lasted, back-down-where-he-came-from, completely neutral statman Nicholas Hamilton. Let’s wrap up Week 10 of Waxball 2025.
BURN THE WITCH
It’s easy for a certain someone’s dominance to be the only headline every week. But we all know Paul (helloimpaul; 8-2) is in a league of his own — he’s in 1st-place for the fifth week running and sitting two games clear of the rest of the pack… let’s talk about Susan.
Erik (Susan Rogers; 174.28pts) put up the highest score of the week to extend his win streak to 5W, the longest of anyone this season. Erik was 11th in Week 5, 10th in Week 6 — his ascent being aided by having the top score of the week in 3 of the last 4 matchups. A slate of late injuries to his squad this week may hamper his future, but as it stands he is a strong contender for a hefty playoff push.
The two-name-mom phenomenon continued as Trav (yumyucker; 89.1pts) was trounced by Susan Rogers in Trav’s first loss in four weeks. With Ceedee Lamb and Rashee Rice both on bye this past week, Trav is yet to win a matchup this season where neither player was active. He’ll look to bounce back with them both against 10th-place Christian (Steeler Virginity; 3-7) in Week 11.
Erik and his battered and bruised starting lineup face a tough yet entertaining test this week, as they face 1st-place Paul in a podium-battle for the ages.
MILES W-IOT
For the first time since Week 6, our lowly commissioner Miles (Daddy Campbell; 117.5pts) finally tasted victory again — and over a strong opponent in Mosko (fantasyboy12345; 109.3pts). It’s Miles’ third time this season scoring 117pts, but only his first win while doing so. It’s also his first time scoring in the top five scores of the week. Despite all this, he maintains 12th-place, yet tied on record with Christian (Steeler Virginity) and Havi (PapiCoop).
Mosko suffered his second loss on the trot, scoring less than 110pts in both instances, though his season average sits at 123.28pts. A bounceback will be testy, as he faces Blue (blueballs; 5-5), also on a 2L streak. Both Blue and Mosko were on the podium as recently as Week 6, but whoever loses this matchup may find themselves in some mathematical hot water.
TIGHT TOPS
At the end of Week 10, all but one of our top-7 found themselves in a different position to last week.
After Will fell to a season-low 6th in Week 9, Jonathan Taylor put up the highest PPR score all season (49.6pts) to help the Leaping Jesters “rake (Nic) over the coals” and jump back up to 4th, tied on record with 2nd-place.
Milo (EvianDon) has put together a nice win streak to push up to 5th, the highest he’s been since Week 2. With the lowest PF in the top-7, he’ll need to put up points in these last few weeks to avoid falling out of the playoff picture due to the tiebreaker rules.
After sitting in 1st-place as recently as Week 5, Blue (blueballs) fell to Milo in Week 10 and finds himself in a season-low 6th.
The major fall from grace for myself (Dickless Cameltoe) after a strong Week 9 that resulted in a season-high 3rd-place knocks me out of the playoff picture entirely, demonstrating just how tight the situation at the top is.
One win separates a first-week-playoff-bye from competing to avoid the calendar.
STAGNANT BOTTOMS
Speaking of competing for the calendar, our bottom-5 stayed where they were this week, despite both Sam (mistahbigdick; 5-5) and Miles (Daddy Campbell; 3-7) pulling out a tight win.
Tying for the longest losing-streak this season, Havi (PapiCoop; 87.64pts) went up against the third-lowest scorer of the week in Sam (mistahbigdick; 91.94pts) and lost. He sits only 49.32 PF ahead of last-place Miles.
Christian (Steeler Virginity; 112.2pts) fell at the last minute to league leader Paul (helloimpaul; 117.12pts), as Josh Jacobs crashed into the endzone in the 4th quarter of MNF for the Packers’ only TD of the night.
COMPARISONS
As we approach the final four weeks of the regular season, we look back on last year’s standings and do some comparing.
Two managers have already outdone last year’s regular season form:
- Mosko sits pretty in 3rd-place with 6 wins, eclipsing last year’s 5 total.
- Will has (obviously) majorly improved with 6 wins compared to his lone victory in 2024.
Conversely, four managers have already performed under the standard they set last year:
- Sam finished 2024 at 10-4 — he’s lost 5 so far this year.
- Trav took 5 losses last year and already sits at 4-6 this season.
- Miles E. finished 2024 with 6 losses and has already tallied 7 so far this season.
- In the biggest surprise, last year’s Waxball winner in Christian has also lost 7 times already this year, compared to his 8-6 record in 2024.
All of this is to demonstrate how little regular season-form matters. After a 1-13 season, Will was able to pull out a first-week playoff win and spare his pubics. Sam was top of the table in Week 14, but failed to win the first playoff match and ended the season outside of the top 3.
Don’t hold your breath. Keep your lineups healthy. Anything could happen.
IMPORTANT 🚨
The Washington Commanders and the Miami Dolphins will face off in Madrid in what is bound to be one of the worst games of the year at 6:30AM PT (9:30AM ET) on Sunday morning. Get those lineups in early.
The top 2 face off this week, as we all wait with baited breath to learn Paul’s mom’s name.
Until next time, here’s me saying goodbye. Goodbye!
I’M GONNA WIN THE WHOLE FUCKING THING
WAXBALL 2025 Week 9
The Jesters Leap off the podium, making way for an aging twink, overflowing with unfounded confidence.
As always, I’m your striving to do thriving, completely neutral statman Nicholas Hamilton. Let’s wrap up Week 9 of Waxball 2025.
DICKLESS & DOMINANT
I’m not gonna spend too much time on this. After all, the only thing separating 3rd and 6th place is 13.14pts. With five managers on 5-4, the difference between a bye in the first round of the playoffs and a spot in the toilet bowl may well come down to points scored.
Drake London’s 38.8pt week elevated me (Dickless Cameltoe; 137.2pts) to a podium spot, the first time I’ve been higher than 6th all season.
In contrast, Will (Leaping Jesters; 80.36pts) put up his second-lowest score of the season to drop down to 6th, the lowest he’s been since Week 2.
Will has been on the podium for five of the nine weeks played, tied second-most with Blue (blueballs; 5-3), despite this being the second time this season he’s put up the lowest score of the week.
In a sort of kismet coincidence, Will and Nic face off this upcoming week — as Will hopes to regain his spot and push Dickless back down where I came from.
MOSKOVITZ & LEGALLET
^to the tune of Ebony & Ivory by Paul McCartney
For the third week in a row, Paul (helloimpaul; 7-2) and Mosko (fantasyboy12345; 6-3) occupy the top two spots in the standings. The two heavyweights have been on the podium more than anyone else this season, taking a medal spot in six of the nine weeks played.
Mosko maintains the second-highest PF in the league. Despite taking an L to Dickless this week, Blue and Will’s losses allowed Mosko to keep his second-place ranking going into Week 10.
Paul has yet to sit lower than 5th this season. He’s posted a score in the top 4 of the week in all but two matchups. At the highest PF in the league, he’s earned his top spot, scoring an average of 131.46pts/week, including the highest score of the season so far of 179.94pts in Week 6.
When Paul and Mosko faced off in Week 5, Paul came out on top with one of the most narrow wins of the season (138.08pts v 134.74pts). Paul’s been big brothering Mosko all season, but Mosko may have a chance this week to rise above. He faces an easier matchup on paper against league bottom Miles (Daddy Campbell; 2-7), while Paul faces in-form Christian (Steeler Virginity; 3-6) who put up a monster 162.68pts this past weekend.
MOM’S STREAKING
In one of the best storylines of the season, Erik (Judith Blue; 114.34pts)’s two-name mother curse continued as Judith defeated her son (blueballs; 97.66pts) to extend her streak to 4W, tied for the longest this season with Paul.
Erik’s relatively low winning score kept him in 5th-place after he jumped up from 8th last week. In Erik’s four consecutive wins, his opponents have put up a meek average of 107.92pts/week, begging the question — is the two-name curse real?
We may get our answer next week, as he faces off against an in-form Trav (yumyucker; 4-5), a man with a two-moniker mother.
THIS IS 27
Ruining what would’ve been quite a fun headline, Havi (PapiCoop; 109.62pts) was unable to celebrate his birthday with a fantasy win, and had to settle for the love of his friends and family instead. His second consecutive loss results in a fall to 11th-place, the lowest he’s been since Week 1. He’s yet to place higher than 6th and has not gone up in the standings since Week 3.
Milo (EvianDon; 146.2pts) has had a bumpy month, putting up the week’s second-highest score twice and the week’s second-lowest score twice in the past four matchups. He rises a spot to 7th, the only manager with a winning record to not find himself in the playoff picture.
In Week 10, PapiCoop faces off against 8th-place Sam (mistahbigdick; 4-5) and EvianDon matches up with perennial 4th-place Blue (blueballs; 5-4).
CHRISTIAN VALUES
Christian (Steeler Virginity; 162.68pts) finally had the monster week he’s been looking for, putting up the highest score of the week for his first time this season. His first win since Week 5 comes against lowly Miles (Daddy Campbell; 93.7pts) who falls to 2-7 and desperately needs a win to keep himself in reach of the playoffs. It might prove difficult, as his Week 10 matchup comes against 2nd-place Mosko (fantasyboy12345; 6-3), though Miles actually outscored Mosko by 1.2pts this past weekend.
Christian, who has put up the lowest score of the week twice this season (tied most with Will), boasts the highest PF in the bottom half of the table, scoring an average of 115.78pts/week. Christian will look to steady a weird up-and-down season against 1st-place Paul (helloimpaul; 7-2) in Week 10.
IMPORTANT 🚨
International games are back, with the Atlanta Falcons facing the Indy Colts in Berlin at 6:30AM PT (9:30AM ET) on Sunday morning. Get those lineups in early.
This week, we’re all Christian and Miles fans. Let’s knock Paul and Mosko down a peg.
Until next time, here’s me saying goodbye. Goodbye!
TRAVS TO RICHES
WAXBALL 2025 Week 8
The perennial league bottom has been plucked from the clutches of the Waxball Calendevil, leaving a commissioner in his place.
As always, I’m your middle-of-the-road-in-both-standings-and-attractiveness, completely neutral statman Nicholas Hamilton. Let’s wrap up Week 8 of Waxball 2025.
KRISTINA CHARGES FORTH
When the Vikings were pummeled by the Chargers on Thursday night, Minnesota fan Erik (Kristina Perdue; 144.38pts) was left in purgatory as he found himself rooting for four (4) LA offensemen in his matchup against Miles (Daddy Campbell; 117.98pts). It paid off as, even though Miles started Chargers QB Justin Herbert, Erik’s four starters totalled for 67.6pts on their own. This catapulted him to the highest score of the week, a feat he’s now achieved for the second consecutive week.
The two-word-mom’s-name spell continues to prove accurate, as now-5th-place Erik has won three in a row, averaging 142.66pts in that streak. After a tough start to the season, he’ll look to continue this newfound dominance (albeit without an injured Skattebo) in Week 9 as he takes on 4th-place Blue (blueballs; 5-3).
As for commissioner Miles, his second loss on the trot pulls him down to 2-6 and into last place for the first time since Week 3. It’s also the first time anyone but Trav (yumyucker; 3-5) has been in 12th since the third week. Daddy Campbell and Christian (Steeler Virginity; 11th) become the only managers at 2-6, before they face off in a bottom-of-the-table duel in Week 9.
YUMYUCKER
^emphasis on the yum
Trav (yumyucker; 137.12pts) and his finally active receivers may well be having the resurgence he’s been promising, as James Cook’s 33.6pts helped him to the second-highest score of the week and his highest of the season since last week’s 116.78pt total. This is Trav’s first time this season scoring in the top half of any week.
It’s a small footnote, but both of Trav’s opponents in his Week 7 and 8 victories scored less than 100pts, contributing to his PA (Points Against) being the lowest in the league, as he’s faced an average of 106.86pts/week this season. Nevertheless, this win streak has lifted him up and away from last place for the first time since Week 3 as he ties on record with 9th-place Jakob (PapiCoop; 3-5).
After Sam (mistahbigdick; 99.02pts) came out of a slump to score a more-than-decent 127.52pts last week, he may have fallen back in as he scores the third-lowest total of the week and drops out of the playoff picture into 7th-place.
The two will both have high-ranking opponents in Week 9, as Sam faces league-leader Paul (helloimpaul; 6-2) and Trav finds 3rd-place Will (Leaping Jesters; 5-3).
PAUL FINALLY LOSES
The ginger ninja might just be human after all, as Paul (helloimpaul; 82.52pts) snapped his 4-game winning streak and put up less than 118pts for the first time since Week 3, his only other losing week. His total is the lowest score of the week, the first of the season for him and only his second time in the bottom half of the week’s totals.
He was taken down by Willy Price and the Leaping Jesters (123.02pts) as Jonathan Taylor’s 37.4pts help them find form again after their loss in Week 7, despite scoring 2.92pts less in Week 8.
Both Will and Paul maintain their 3rd and 1st respective places in the standings, before Will takes on 10th-place Trav (yumyucker; 3-5) and Paul faces 7th-place Sam (mistahbigdick; 4-4).
PARITY AGAIN
In a battle of the Jac/kobs, Mosko (fantasyboy12345; 136.7pts) extended his win streak to 3W as he took down Havi (PapiCoop; 113.86pts) and ended the week with the third-highest score. If everyone had started their strongest lineup, Mosko would’ve leapfrogged Paul (helloimpaul; 6-2) to 1st-place on PF. Instead, the top 4 remains the same as last week, as Blue (blueballs; 5-3) and Will (Leaping Jesters; 5-3) find winning ways again to separate the foursome by only one win.
Erik (Kristina Perdue; 4-4) jumps up three places into the playoff picture for the first time this season as Nic (Dickless Cameltoe; 4-4)’s win over a battered and bruised Milo (EvianDon; 4-4) helps me jump the playoff line for only the second time this season.
A fun belated fact — last week was the sole week so far this season that only one manager scored less than 100pts (blueballs; 75.14pts). It’s stuff like that that keeps me going and makes me hard.
None of the top 4 face will each other this week, as some Davids will look to crack some Goliaths.
Thank the Fantasy Gods that this monster bye week is over and that no international games require an early rise.
Until next time, here’s me saying goodbye. Goodbye!
IT’S HALFTIME— AND MY MOM BROUGHT THE ORANGE SLICES
WAXBALL 2025 Week 7
We’re halfway into the Waxball 2025 season, and this fire-crotch fuck just can’t stop winning.
As always, I’m your season-half-done, glass-half-empty, completely neutral statman Nicholas Hamilton. Let’s wrap up Week 7 of Waxball 2025.
MILE HIGH MOM
As my mother took off from Brisbane Airport on her way across the world to visit her loving, doting son, she was somehow also in Denver putting a late-game incantation on Bo Nix. The Broncos QB contributed to four touchdowns in the final quarter of Sunday’s game against the Giants to slingshot Erik (Vicki Atkins; 164.96pts)’s team to a blowout victory over Nic (Dickless Cameltoe; 106.44pts) that seemed out of reach mere minutes prior.
Erik notches the highest score of the week and his highest of the season, pushing him up two places to 8th, just below Nic who moves down from 6th to 7th after the loss. Nic will find 6th-place Milo (EvianDon; 4-3) in a tight Week 8 matchup that may well be decided by bad injuries and untimely byes.
All three of Erik’s wins this season have come when his opponent’s mom’s name consists of only two words. Bad news for his next adversary in 11th-place Miles (Daddy Campbell; 2-5), who’s confided in me that his matriarch’s moniker is indeed only dos palabras.
CALL HIM PAULYAMOROUS
^cuz he’s fucking everyone
For the first time since Week 3, Paul (helloimpaul; 132.86pts)’s point total was not in the top three scores of the week. The lowly sod was only able to put up a fourth-highest performance to knock out Miles (Daddy Campbell; 104.7pts) and extend his win streak to 4W, the longest streak of anyone so far this season. Paul maintains his lone spot on the podium’s peak for the second week running, our only 6-1 manager.
Commissioner Miles puts up the third-lowest score of the week in the loss, and has yet to score in the top half of any week this season, seven weeks in. He matches up against his mom (Erik Dagoberg; 3-4) in Week 8, while Paul and the 3rd-place Leaping Jesters (Will Price; 4-3) joust at the top.
BACK TO SWINGING WAYS
Sam (mistahbigdick; 127.52pts) fought back against the headline-curse rumors to put up his highest score since Week 1 of the season. While it was only enough for the 6th-highest total this week, his matchup against an underperforming Milo (EvianDon; 100.72pts) gave him the W. Milo scored the second-lowest total of the week, his worst performance since Week 3.
Milo drops to 6th-place and will play 7th-place Nic (Dickless Cameltoe; 3-4) in Week 8, while Sam finds league-bottom Trav (yumyucker; 2-5).
IS TRAV BACK?
After this season’s trials and travulations, our very own yumyucker might be about to hit the bounceback he’s been promising. The return of Rashee Rice (23.2pts) and CeeDee Lamb (22.0pts) catapulted him to victory over an unlikely opponent, defeating Blue (blueballs), who went into this week in second-place, by a massive 41.64pts.
The return of Blue’s own IR player in George Kittle (0/2, 0pts) didn’t bode as well for him, as he put up the league’s lowest score of the week (75.14pts). Prior to this week, Blue hadn’t scored lower than 5th-place all season, scoring in the top 3 in four of the seven weeks played. It’s his lowest score of the season by 34.5pts.
The loss knocks Blue off the podium into 4th-place before he matches up with 10th-place Christian (Steeler Virginity; 2-5) in Week 8. Trav will look to keep it rolling against 5th-place Sam (mistahbigdick; 4-3).
FULL MONTY
Entering MNF needing David Montgomery to score only 0.86pts, it was squeaky-bum time for Havi (PapiCoop; 133.26pts) as the Lions RB only amounted to 5.9pts on the night behind an explosive performance by lead back Jahmyr Gibbs (36.8pts). Still, it was enough to hand Christian (Steeler Virginity; 128.22pts) his second loss on the trot, despite putting up the week’s fifth-highest score. Christian continues to be a boom-or-bust manager in 2025, putting up his third score of over 128pts this season, with the rest of his weekly totals not breaching 100pts.
Despite the win, PapiCoop falls to 9th-place as Erik (Gibbs’ manager)’s PF tops Havi’s by less than 3pts. He and a reinvigorated Ja’Marr Chase will look to build a streak against 2nd-place Mosko (fantasyboy12345; 5-2) as Christian faces off against 4th-place Blue (blueballs; 4-3).
PODIUM BATTLE
Two of the league’s heaviest hitters faced off in Week 7 as Mosko (fantasyboy12345; 133.84pts) took down Will (Leaping Jesters; 125.94pts) in a high-scoring matchup that shook up the standings.
Blue’s loss to last-place Trav knocks him down to 4th-place as Mosko and Will clamber over him and onto the podium. Will and Blue’s losses, however, level the playoff picture significantly, as third-place through sixth all sit at 4-3.
In a season that was defined by our top three/four managers being seemingly uncatchable, this proves we’ve still got a lot of football to play. Strap on in boys, season’s not done yet.
A Jac/kob matchup awaits in Week 8, as Mosko finds 9th-place Havi (PapiCoop; 3-4), and another high-level game for Will comes next week against podium-topper Paul, as he looks to snap a two-game losing streak.
A half-season manager-by-manager breakdown is coming tomorrow.
Set those waivers and thank the Lord that no international games grace the calendar in Week 8. Sleep in boys, you deserve it.
Until next time, here’s me saying goodbye. Goodbye!
WHEN PAUL GOES HIGH, WILL GOES LOW
WAXBALL 2025 Week 6
A new league-lowest is tallied in an overall dreadful week for fantasy football… for everyone but Paul.
As always, I’m your faggy, albeit slightly belated, completely neutral statman Nicholas Hamilton. Let’s wrap up Week 6 of Waxball 2025.
HIGHS—MEET LOWS
The average fantasy football score in Week 6 across Sleeper, ESPN, Yahoo and CBS was 81.97pts. So it comes as no surprise that half of our Waxball managers scored within 15pts of that, including Will Price and the Leaping Jesters (70.3pts), who put up the lowest total of any team this season by 8.42pts. Will (scoring 144pts last week—more than double this week’s total) also becomes the first manager to have their score doubled by another manager in the same week. He drops off the podium, as second becomes fourth.
Paul (helloimpaul; 179.44pts), fast becoming a manager for the ages, crushed the season-highest score of 171.58pts he himself set two weeks ago. Paul trounced fellow 4-1 manager Blue (blueballs; 109.64pts) as one of only three managers to score above 120pts in Week 6. With Will and Blue failing to get a W, Paul sits atop the table as the only 5-1 manager.
Paul holds the highest PF by over 50pts and the third-highest PA. He is on the longest active win streak in the league with 3W. He started a top 5 player in every position this week, including the week’s best WR in Pickens, third-best WR in JSN, and the week’s best K in Eddy Pineiro. I can’t overstate it, the guy’s a monster.
But he is a ginger. Shows you can’t have it all.
Paul latches onto 11th-place Miles (Daddy Campbell; 2-4) in Week 7, as Will aims to bounce back against fellow 4-2 manager Mosko (fantasyboy12345; 3rd).
MISSED OPPORTUNITIES
I get it. Life gets busy, things come up, fantasy football takes a backseat. You just hope that your misses don’t screw your weeks and set you up for calendar duties. Unfortunately, two managers fell to complacency this week.
Sam (mistahbigdick; 89.2pts), plagued by bye weeks and injuries, started Chuba Hubbard, who missed his second consecutive week with a calf injury. Sam ended up losing his week by 3.74pts, as Mosko (fantasyboy12345; 92.94pts) squeaked out a win despite putting up less than 130pts for only the second time this season. If Sam had fielded any of the top 10 waiver wire RBs this week, the 3.74pt difference would’ve been made up, and he would’ve taken the W.
Christian (Steeler Virginity; 95.9pts) had a similar week, failing to swap out his QB and RB before the 6:30am PT London game, a move that would’ve granted him an extra 45.58pts and smashed his opponent Nic (Dickless Cameltoe; 122.98pts) by almost 20pts. When asked about his choices, Christian said “i just haven’t been on my game” and “it’s been mayhem over at les mis, rehearsals and put ins for the last 4 weeks 😭”. He’ll hope to dream a dream next week against fellow 2-4 manager Jakob (PapiCoop; 8th).
Call it the headline curse, but since MISTAHBIGDICK SWUNG IT AROUND in Week 1, Sam has put up an average of 103.94pts, including two scores in the bottom three of the week. He falls to 7th and will look to climb back into the playoff picture against 5th-place Milo (EvianDon; 4-2) in Week 7.
SUDDENLY MILO
Despite holding the lowest PF in the top half of the league by almost 40pts, Milo (EvianDon; 4-2)’s win takes him to 5th-place amongst the league’s heaviest-hitters. One of only three managers to score over 120pts this week, he crushed Will by 57.34pts to extend his win streak to 2W.
It was a good week for Manheim, who put up a statline of 2pts, 1 assist (B. Safdie), 1 block (S. Kaufman), 1 gettingdunkedontoshit (W. Chandler) and 1 critical defensive performance (T. Rizzler) in the Knicks celebrity basketball game AND came away with the fantasy win. What a life.
Milo will aim to continue his good fortune against 7th-place Sam (mistahbigdick; 3-3) in Week 7.
JUSTICE FOR TULSA TRAV
I’m gonna try not to harp on last week’s wrap-up beatdown of Trav (yumyucker; 12th). In a tough week for fantasy, Trav was unable to eke out a win against 11th-place Miles (Daddy Campbell; 2-4), becoming the sole 1-5 manager in the league. Despite Miles’ win, he falls one spot to 11th-place, leapfrogged by Erik (Annalisa Martinez; 4-2) who was able to triumph over her son Jakob (PapiCoop; 2-4).
With Rashee Rice and Ceedee Lamb both likely to return in Week 7, Trav may be due for a bounce back, as he faces a tough opponent in 2nd-place Blue (blueballs; 4-2). Miles will also hope his team finds their feet, as he matches up with league-leader Paul (helloimpaul; 5-1) in Week 7.
Erik will face me (Dickless Cameltoe; 3-3) next week, no doubt becoming my mother in the process.
PODIUM SHUFFLES ONCE AGAIN
As quick as he left, early-season powerhouse Mosko (fantasyboy12345; 4-2) has clambered back onto the podium, as himself and Paul (helloimpaul; 5-1) leapfrog Will (Leaping Jesters; 4-2), leaving him in 4th-place.
Blue (blueballs; 4-2) falls to 2nd after his blowout loss to Paul. Blue holds the league’s highest PA of 131.92pts/wk, making his silver status that much more impressive.
Our top two will face classic trap games next week, as Paul takes on 11th-place Miles (Daddy Campbell; 2-4) and Blue takes on 12th-place Trav (yumyucker; 1-5). 3rd- and 4th-place Mosko and Will face off in what could be the game of the week—one that might come down to byes, with Lamar Jackson sidelined for Will and Mosko’s full (healthy) roster taking the field.
🚨IMPORTANT:
The LOS ANGELES RAMS will play the JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS at 9:30AM ET (6:30AM PT) in London on Sunday. Turn on auto-subs, double-check your rosters and/or make sure you’re up for the game — we’ve seen first-hand how it could make or break your week.
Paul wants to pull away from the pack. Trav yearns to be back in the fold. The rest of us still wouldn’t mind some head lol i mean come on.
Until next time, here’s me saying goodbye. Goodbye!
BLUE BALLS COMETH
WAXBALL 2025 Week 5
After a fierce battle between two 4-1 giants, we have a new league leader. But some gay little Jesters are on his tail.
As always, I’m your grateful, relaxed, finally at peace, completely neutral statman Nicholas Hamilton. Let’s wrap up Week 5 of Waxball 2025.
A NEW PODIUM
A MNF injury to the Jaguars’ Brenton Strange may have been the deciding factor in a tight matchup between two heavyweights in Mosko (fantasyboy12345; 134.74pts) and Paul (helloimpaul; 138.08pts), as Paul leapfrogs into third place with a 4-1 record. Mosko can take solace in still maintaining the highest PF total of 667.56pts, though he drops off the podium for the first time since Week 2.
Mosko’s matchup opened the door for last week’s second- and third-place managers to scooch up a spot each, as Blue (BlueBalls; 138.2pts) and Will (Leaping Jesters; 143.74pts) put up the two highest scores of the week to win their matchups. Blue only barely holds gold, leading Will by just 1.96pts over the whole season so far (662.96 v 661.0). In their Week 2 matchup, Will prevailed by 2.84pts, Blue’s only loss so far this season.
Blue maintains his streak of scoring at least 124pts every week so far, and is yet to fall below the 4th-highest score every week. Will touts the highest score of the week for the second time this season, extending his record win streak to 4.
Week 6 will see another massive matchup, as first-place Blue (BlueBalls; 4-1) takes on third-place Paul (helloimpaul; 4-1), meaning we will have at least one 5-1 manager at the end of the week. Mosko (fantasyboy12345; 3-2) will face 5th-place Sam (mistahbigdick; 3-2) as Will (Leaping Jesters; 4-1) goes up against 6th-place Milo (EvianDon; 3-2).
NO MORE STREAKERS
The tied-longest losing streaks of the season (3L) have ended, as both Nic (Dickless Cameltoe; 2-3) and Christian (Steeler Virginity; 2-3) bookend their young seasons with a win. The longest losing streaks now belong to Jakob, Trav and Erik (2L).
Our reigning champ is proving to be boom or bust, as Christian put up his second highest score of the season (135.02pts), only his second time scoring above 100pts so far. Nic (finally) lands in a matchup of more than 2pts difference for the first time since Week 2, defeating commissioner Miles (Daddy Campbell; 117.14pts) who lost despite putting up his highest score of the season, falling to 10th-place.
Our streak-breakers face each other next week, as 7th-place Nic and 9th-place Christian attempt to pull themselves into the winner’s bracket for the first time since Week 1.
BIG DICK GOES SOFT
The lowest score of the season, a record previously held by Jakob (PapiCoop; 81.92pts) since Week 1, has been snatched by Sam (mistahbigdick; 78.72pts). Sam, who hadn’t scored below 107pts all season, was crushed by Christian (Steeler Virginity; 135.02pts), who put up the 4th-highest score of the week.
Sam doesn’t have it easy in Week 6, facing up against the league’s top scorer in 4th-place Mosko (fantasyboy12345; 3-2). PapiCoop (2-3), after losing his second in a row in a high-scoring battle with podium-topper Blue (BlueBalls; 4-1), falls to 8th and will face 9th-place Erik (*Insert Jakob’s Mom’s Name Here*; 2-3) in Week 6.
THROWING IN THE TOWEL?
He hates to hear it.
I hate to write it.
But yumyucker’s in trouble.
After securing his 0.02pt win over Dickless Cameltoe in Week 3, prolific stage actor and star of The Outsiders (on tour now) Travis Roy Rogers (yumyucker; 1-4) sits at the bottom of the table for the second week running. He is still yet to score over 100pts in a week, putting up 83.32pts against Milo (EvianDon; 115.86pts), the second-lowest score of Week 5.
We reached out to Rogers for comment but have yet to hear back.
He isn’t the only manager at 1-4, but his average of 95.28pts/week puts him in a tricky position ahead of matchup against fellow bottom of the table manager Miles (Daddy Campbell; 10th).
🚨IMPORTANT:
Denver will play the Jets at 9:30AM ET (6:30AM PT) in London on Sunday. Turn on auto-subs or make sure you’re up for the game — or you’re gay.
We will have at least one 5-1 team after this week, at most two. Same goes for 1-5.
The men in the middle hunger for a headline… and some head tbh lol some head would be nice yeah.
Until next time, here’s me saying goodbye. Goodbye!
PAUL BLART: POINT COP — Noob Quietly Breaks High Score
WAXBALL 2025 Week 4
As two cheeky men battled until the end, a rookie slipped through the cracks and broke an ‘unbreakable’ record… and he didn’t even invite Guinness.
As always, I’m your sexy, genuinely suicidal now, completely neutral statman Nicholas Hamilton. Let’s wrap up Week 4 of Waxball 2025.
PAUL SAYS HELLO
Our pubeless friend’s “possible season-high score” of 170.40pts in Week 2 has already been overtaken. Paul (helloimpaul; 171.58pts) was victorious over fellow league newbie Milo (EvianDon; 128.46pts) who, despite Ashton Jeanty’s 33.5pt week, was no match for Paul’s dominance. The record-breaker almost doubled the lowest score of the week, put up by Christian (Steeler Virginity; 87.98pts). If Paul had played his strongest lineup, he would have totted up 202.36pts. Insane week.
Both players in this matchup somehow jump up one position in the standings, before 6th-place Milo (EvianDon; 2-2) takes on last-place Trav (yumyucker; 1-3) in Week 5 and 4th-place Paul (helloimpaul; 3-1) will match up against the man whose record he broke, league leader Mosko (fantasyboy12345; 3-1).
🍑 MONDAY NIGHT BLUES 🍑
In a Battle of the Asses, Nic (Dickless Cameltoe; 138.9pts), for the second week running, found himself losing the week in the 4th quarter of the final MNF game, falling to Miles Blue (blueballs; 140.3pts) by 1.4pts. J.K. Dobbins, largely invisible in Monday’s game against the Bengals, ran for 19 yards on his final play of the game, when Blue only needed 2.
Blue has yet to score below 124pts nor has he placed lower than 4th in the all-play rankings so far this season. Nic put up his highest score of the season by over 20pts, third-best score of the week, yet falls to 1-3 (8th).
Blue’s win takes him up to 2nd-place before he faces 7th-place Jakob Cooper (PapiCoop; 2-2) in Week 5. Dickless will hope to break the league’s tied longest active losing streak next week against 9th-place Miles Elliot (Daddy Campbell; 1-3).
MOM GETS BEAT
Sam (mistahbigdick; 127.06pts) was able to break the curse as he became the first person to beat Erik (Miriam Natasha Labovitz; 104.44pts) since he began his quest to be all of our mothers.
Sam (3-1) somehow moves down to 5th before next week’s matchup with 11th-place Christian (Steeler Virginity; 1-3).
Milo (EvianDon) will get a second chance at defeating his matriarch in Week 14, but until then Erik stays 10th and will face 3rd-place Will Price and the Leaping Jesters (3-1) in Week 5.
STARS STAY SHINING
The three managers singled out last week as scary opponents have retained their podium positions, as blueballs’ high score leapfrogs him to 2nd-place over Will Price and the Leaping Jesters. Jakob Moskovitz (fantasyboy12345) stays top for the second week running, boasting the largest PF in the league.
Both Mosko and Will had it easier than Blue this week, as they faced the two lowest scorers and bottom of the table Trav (yumyucker) and Christian (Steeler Virginity), the latter scoring the week’s lowest total for the second time this season. The matchups weren’t close, as Mosko and Will blew out their opponents by 45.46pts and 43.3pts, respectively.
Blue will next face 7th-place Jakob Cooper (PapiCoop; 2-2), who handed our lowly commissioner Miles (Daddy Campbell; 9th) his first win in Week 4.
Will is up next in the Mother Bowl, seeing 10th place Erik (1-3) in Week 5.
In the game of the week, Mosko will come up against his record-stealing foe, 4th-place Paul (helloimpaul; 3-1), who will be looking to find himself on the podium for the first time since Week 2.
🚨IMPORTANT:
Minnesota will play the Browns at 9:30AM ET (6:30AM PT) in London on Sunday. Turn on auto-subs or make sure you’re up for the game — you don’t want to pull a Christian.
After a month of play, five (5) managers are tied for the best record in the league. Five (5) managers are tied for the worst. Game on and godspeed.
Until next time, here’s me saying goodbye. Goodbye!
HASHTAG #NOKINGSWEEK
WAXBALL 2025 Week 3
The world takes a sigh of relief as not one fantasy manager was able to notch a 3-0 start to the Waxball 2025 season.
In 0-3, on the other hand, a commissioner finds a home.
As always, I’m your cheated, definitely not upset just disappointed, completely neutral statman Nicholas Hamilton. Let’s wrap up Week 3 of Waxball 2025.
DOES ANYONE HAVE A GUN? LET ME SEE. NO I JUST WANT TO SEE, LIKE, WHAT THE INSIDE LOOKS LIKE AND HOW THE BULLETS TASTE.
After Sam Labovitz (mistahbigdick)’s 0.08pt squeaker last week, all of the matchups this week were supposed to be cut and dry. Surely the fantasy gods were going to give us all a break, at least for the week. But, like Jakob Cooper losing his virginity in a really cool way, that didn’t happen.
When Ceedee Lamb limped off the field on Sunday carrying a big ol’ goose egg, you can imagine how elated I felt. My lackluster team was going to limp through another undeserved W. But then I scrolled down. And remembered. My opponent’s D/ST (Minnesota) had done the Cowboys star receiver’s job for him, putting up 30pts against a Burrow-less Bengals offense.
So, then came Monday Night. The matchup between myself (Dickless Cameltoe) and Trav Rogers (yumyucker) was projected exactly 50/50. To win, Trav needed Jared Goff to score 5.36pts+ more than his TE LaPorta, and I needed a Xanax.
The Ravens were able to mostly contain the Detroit QB for the first three quarters as we entered the 4th separated by just 0.8pts in my favor.
The group chat lit up like Miles Blue’s eyes at a buffet as Detroit mostly ran the ball and Goff wasn’t allowed to throw one completion… until the two-minute warning. On a 4th & 2, on the halfway line, leading by 7pts, Dan Wrecking Ball Testicles Campbell decided to go for it. Goff sailed an overdramatic 20 yarder down the right side to Amon-Ra St. Brown to give yumyucker a 0.12pt lead.
The Ravens got a quick touchdown and attempted an onside kick, right into the arms of my guy LaPorta, who I swear gained a yard on the return. Should count.
Goff knelt once to bring the gap down to 0.02pts, and the Ravens decided not to test Graham Glasgow’s handoff capabilities. They sat on their final two timeouts. The game was over, and I yearned for the noose.
If Goff had taken one more knee thrown for one less yard, I would’ve taken the win. I’ll be thinking about that for some time.
Trav finally gets his first victory to tie me at 1-2. We’ll both face tough opponents in Week 4, as yumyucker sees 1st-place Jacob Moskovitz (fantasyboy12345; 2-1) and I match up against 3rd-place Miles Blue (blueballs; 2-1).
NO KINGS ONE JESTER
Our invincible three were all torn down this week, as our newbies Milo Manheim (EvianDon; 87.22pts) and Paul Legallet (helloimpaul; 95.24) put up the two lowest scores of the week, and Sam Labovitz (mistahbigdick; 117.32) underperformed his projected win over a powerful Miles Blue (blueballs; 131.94).
Their losses take all three men off of the podium, and knocks EvianDon (7th) out of the playoff picture entirely. Our newbie managers face off against each other this week, while Mistahbigdick plays 10th-place Erik Dagoberg (*Insert Sam’s Mom’s Name Here; 1-2).
We send our condolences and calendar shoot themes to our commissioner Miles Elliot (Daddy Campbell; 0-3) who failed to notch his first win of the season against this week’s highest scorer in Will Price (Leaping Jesters; 145.82pts). He’ll hope to get his season going in Week 4 against 6th-place Jakob Cooper (PapiCoop; 2-1) who left a possible 165.76pt total on his bench in Week 3.
BEATEN BY MOM
The league braces for their eventual matchups against 10th-place Erik Dagoberg (1-2). Not because of his point totals (103.13pt avg), but as he has pledged to change his team name every week to his opponent’s mother’s name.
We laugh now but, in the first instance of this new ritual, Camryn Manheim was able to destroy her son EvianDon by the largest win margin of the week (40.1pts). It might be a good-luck charm. One we can all be grateful requires no actual rubbing.
RISING STARS
Although we are early on in the season, three managers stand out to me as scary opponents.
Miles Blue (blueballs; 2-1 — 3rd) has yet to put up a score lower than 124pts.
Will Price (Leaping Jesters; 2-1 — 2nd) has been in the top two scorers of the week for two weeks running, topping the table this go around.
Jakob Moskovitz (fantasyboy12345; 2-1 — 1st) followed his generational 170pt performance with a more-than-respectable 132.62pt showing this week.
All three managers also top the league in average pts scored. Their Week 4 opponents pray for a stumble as fantasyboy12345 faces yumyucker, the Leaping Jesters meet Steeler Virginity and blueballs brush up against a Dickless Cameltoe.
We thank the fantasy gods for this bountiful spread (Blue’s ass in his profile picture) and for keeping the league competitive. I’m on my way to the gun store.
Until next time, here’s me saying goodbye. Goodbye!
Jacob Too-Much-skovitz Makes Sure We Can See His Pubes
WAXBALL 2025 Week 2
In a week of multiple agonizingly close defeats, newbie dominance, and a possible season-high score, the entire league can agree on one thing… all of our necks are still intact. More than some can say.
As always, I’m your physically blessed, completely neutral, schlong-ified statman Nicholas Hamilton. Let’s wrap up Week 2 of Waxball 2025.
MOSKO MOSKO MAN
Someone must’ve fed Jacob Moskovitz (fantasyboy12345)’s entire lineup some kind of horse drug this week, as they combined to put up a staggering 170.40pts. That point total would’ve been enough to thrash the second-place Leaping Jesters by 40pts, let alone Mosko’s actual opponent Erik Dagoberg (Ricky McFricky) who failed to crack 100pts for the second week running. McFricky went for a lowly 98.44pts to secure the second-lowest point total of the week, a stat he also achieved in Week 1.
Mosko’s dominating display comes after he was only able to put together 91.12pts in Week 1, proving to Erik that bounce-backs are very possible. Erik will face undefeated Milo Manheim (EvianDon; 2-0) in Week 3, as Mosko lines up against Christian Engelhardt (Steeler Virginity; 1-1).
BAD WEEK TO BE A MILES
An unlucky few days for Miles Elliot (Daddy Campbell; 107.34pts), as his favorite guy was shot in the neck and he was pipped by Sam Labovitz (mistahbigdick; 107.42pts) by just 0.08pts on the week. It’s the first instance this season of an individual player scoring over 35pts on their own (Malik Nabers; 37.7pts) and still not carrying their fantasy manager to a win.
It proved to be a bad week for 2024’s 37th-most popular boy name, as Miles Blue (BlueBalls; 125.84pts) was edged out by Will Price (Leaping Jesters; 127.60pts) to the tune of 1.76pts. To add insult to injury, Blue’s score would’ve been enough to beat everyone in the league this week except for his opponent Will and 170pt monster Mosko.
This foursome will all meet again in Week 3, when BlueBalls faces undefeated mistahbigdick and the Leaping Jesters matches up against Daddy Campbell.
MISSED POINTS PROVE COSTLY
This may be the last week I include this stat, as hindsight is obviously 20/20. That said, if both managers in a matchup that saw Jakob Cooper (PapiCoop; 113pts) take down Trav Rogers (yumyucker; 102.7pts) had played their optimized lineups, Trav would’ve edged Coop by 0.36pts and taken the win.
Trav will hope to snag his first W in Week 3 against Nic (Dickless Cameltoe; 1-1). PapiCoop will take on undefeated Paul (helloimpaul; 2-0)
OUR LEAGUE LEADERS
Two league newbies grace the top of the ladder at the end of Week 2. Paul (helloimpaul) and Milo (EvianDon) sit just below Sam (mistahbigdick) on point difference. Who let these two in here? Is there someone I can call?
EvianDon (100.1pts) just barely cracked triple digits on the week to secure a perhaps fortunate win against this week’s lowest scorer Christian (Steeler Virginity; 88.38pts), who left a possible 127pt total on his bench. Hey, a dub’s a dub.
After realizing late on that Younghoe Koo was inactive, Paul (helloimpaul; 123.34pts) picked up Falcons replacement kicker Tony Romo after the Sunday 4pm games had already kicked off. Romo proceeded to score 18pts in a field-goal fest of a SNF, leading Paul to a 8.56pt win over yours truly (Dickless Cameltoe; 114.78pts).
All three undefeated managers will have a chance to go 3-0 in Week 3, before Milo meets Paul in Week 4.
Long season ahead, lads. Lick your wounds (turf toes, etc.) while you can. We’re back on Thursday night when the Dolphins take on the Bills.
Until next time, here’s me saying goodbye. Goodbye!
MISTAHBIGDICK Swings It Around In Week 1
WAXBALL 2025 Week 1
WE’RE SO FUCKING BACK.
The masochistic league that punishes more intensely than it rewards has finally returned for a second season. This year’s loser may get the privilege of keeping their bush unpruned, but may want to trim anyway in preparation for a calendar photoshoot that could leave little to the imagination.
As always, I’m your entirely unbiased, completely neutral, immensely handsome statman Nicholas Hamilton. Let’s wrap up Week 1 of Waxball 2025.
WHO LET THIS HAPPEN??
Who would’ve thought? The league allowed one man to draft both the projected QB1 and RB1 and they were punished for it. More specifically, Willy Price of the Leaping Jesters was punished for it, falling to Sam (Mistahbigdick) despite Willy P putting up the 6th best score of the week (112.56pts). Still, this is nothing against Mr. Large Penis, who could’ve scored 164.06pts if he played his ideal lineup. I personally am terrified of playing the guy. One to watch for an invincible season.
POINTS LEFT IN THE LURCH
Similar to Sam, a victorious Blue (blueballs; 1-0, 127.68pts) could’ve made an even larger mark on the scoresheet, leaving a possible 163.68pt total on his bench. Even then, he was able to pull out a win against 8th place Miles (Daddy Campbell; 95.72pts). With Kittle out on IR, we should expect some shuffling in Blue’s lineup as he approaches a Week 2 matchup with the Leaping Jesters.
THE KING LOOKS GOOD 👀
In a battle of second-highest score v second-lowest score, Christian (Steeler Virginity) blew out Erik (Ricky McFricky) by a massive 53.28pts (136.92pts to 83.64pts). A possible injury to projected TE1 Brock Bowers may halt reigning Waxball Champ Christian’s impeccable first week form but, as it stands early-days, he’s also one to watch in the title race, with Justin Fields and CMC both putting up over 23pts each in Week 1.
BABIES TAKE THEIR FIRST STEPS TOGETHER
A welcome to our newcomers — the men who escaped the threat of a ball-waxing last season. Milo (EvianDon) and true newbie Paul (helloimpaul) bizarrely scored within 1pt of each other in Week 1, 0.24pts to be exact (118.48 and 118.72, respectively). They also both won their Week 1 matchups, against Jacob (team fantasyboy12345; 91.12pts) and Trav (yumyucker; 94.8pts) Our similarly matched rookies will meet up in Week 4.
MORE LIKE JA’MARR CHASE-ING POINTS
In a week of unexpected false starts by supposed star players, last place Jakob (Papi Coop; 81.92pts) was perhaps punished the most, as neither Ja’Marr Chase nor AJ Brown scored higher than 5pts each and his two starting RBs put up a combined 15pts. This allowed Nic (Dickless Cameltoe; 107.42pts) to eke out a win despite ending the week with the 7th highest score. Will Coop’s starters pick it up? Will he have to rely on Garrett Wilson (22.5pts) and Kyler Murray (18.32pts) to save his season? Time will tell.