WAXBALL 2025
TRAVS TO RICHES
WAXBALL 2025 Week 7
The perennial league bottom has been plucked from the clutches of the Waxball Calendevil, leaving a commissioner in his place.
As always, I’m your middle-of-the-road-in-both-standings-and-attractiveness, completely neutral statman Nicholas Hamilton. Let’s wrap up Week 8 of Waxball 2025.
KRISTINA CHARGES FORTH
When the Vikings were pummeled by the Chargers on Thursday night, Minnesota fan Erik (Kristina Perdue; 144.38pts) was left in purgatory as he found himself rooting for four (4) LA offensemen in his matchup against Miles (Daddy Campbell; 117.98pts). It paid off as, even though Miles started Chargers QB Justin Herbert, Erik’s four starters totalled for 67.6pts on their own. This catapulted him to the highest score of the week, a feat he’s now achieved for the second consecutive week.
The two-word-mom’s-name spell continues to prove accurate, as now-5th-place Erik has won three in a row, averaging 142.66pts in that streak. After a tough start to the season, he’ll look to continue this newfound dominance (albeit without an injured Skattebo) in Week 9 as he takes on 4th-place Blue (blueballs; 5-3).
As for commissioner Miles, his second loss on the trot pulls him down to 2-6 and into last place for the first time since Week 3. It’s also the first time anyone but Trav (yumyucker; 3-5) has been in 12th since the third week. Daddy Campbell and Christian (Steeler Virginity; 11th) become the only managers at 2-6, before they face off in a bottom-of-the-table duel in Week 9.
YUMYUCKER
^emphasis on the yum
Trav (yumyucker; 137.12pts) and his finally active receivers may well be having the resurgence he’s been promising, as James Cook’s 33.6pts helped him to the second-highest score of the week and his highest of the season since last week’s 116.78pt total. This is Trav’s first time this season scoring in the top half of any week.
It’s a small footnote, but both of Trav’s opponents in his Week 7 and 8 victories scored less than 100pts, contributing to his PA (Points Against) being the lowest in the league, as he’s faced an average of 106.86pts/week this season. Nevertheless, this win streak has lifted him up and away from last place for the first time since Week 3 as he ties on record with 9th-place Jakob (PapiCoop; 3-5).
After Sam (mistahbigdick; 99.02pts) came out of a slump to score a more-than-decent 127.52pts last week, he may have fallen back in as he scores the third-lowest total of the week and drops out of the playoff picture into 7th-place.
The two will both have high-ranking opponents in Week 9, as Sam faces league-leader Paul (helloimpaul; 6-2) and Trav finds 3rd-place Will (Leaping Jesters; 5-3).
PAUL FINALLY LOSES
The ginger ninja might just be human after all, as Paul (helloimpaul; 82.52pts) snapped his 4-game winning streak and put up less than 118pts for the first time since Week 3, his only other losing week. His total is the lowest score of the week, the first of the season for him and only his second time in the bottom half of the week’s totals.
He was taken down by Willy Price and the Leaping Jesters (123.02pts) as Jonathan Taylor’s 37.4pts help them find form again after their loss in Week 7, despite scoring 2.92pts less in Week 8.
Both Will and Paul maintain their 3rd and 1st respective places in the standings, before Will takes on 10th-place Trav (yumyucker; 3-5) and Paul faces 7th-place Sam (mistahbigdick; 4-4).
PARITY AGAIN
In a battle of the Jac/kobs, Mosko (fantasyboy12345; 136.7pts) extended his win streak to 3W as he took down Havi (PapiCoop; 113.86pts) and ended the week with the third-highest score. If everyone had started their strongest lineup, Mosko would’ve leapfrogged Paul (helloimpaul; 6-2) to 1st-place on PF. Instead, the top 4 remains the same as last week, as Blue (blueballs; 5-3) and Will (Leaping Jesters; 5-3) find winning ways again to separate the foursome by only one win.
Erik (Kristina Perdue; 4-4) jumps up three places into the playoff picture for the first time this season as Nic (Dickless Cameltoe; 4-4)’s win over a battered and bruised Milo (EvianDon; 4-4) helps me jump the playoff line for only the second time this season.
A fun belated fact — last week was the sole week so far this season that only one manager scored less than 100pts (blueballs; 75.14pts). It’s stuff like that that keeps me going and makes me hard.
None of the top 4 face will each other this week, as some Davids will look to crack some Goliaths.
Thank the Fantasy Gods that this monster bye week is over and that no international games require an early rise.
Until next time, here’s me saying goodbye. Goodbye!
IT’S HALFTIME— AND MY MOM BROUGHT THE ORANGE SLICES
WAXBALL 2025 Week 7
We’re halfway into the Waxball 2025 season, and this fire-crotch fuck just can’t stop winning.
As always, I’m your season-half-done, glass-half-empty, completely neutral statman Nicholas Hamilton. Let’s wrap up Week 7 of Waxball 2025.
MILE HIGH MOM
As my mother took off from Brisbane Airport on her way across the world to visit her loving, doting son, she was somehow also in Denver putting a late-game incantation on Bo Nix. The Broncos QB contributed to four touchdowns in the final quarter of Sunday’s game against the Giants to slingshot Erik (Vicki Atkins; 164.96pts)’s team to a blowout victory over Nic (Dickless Cameltoe; 106.44pts) that seemed out of reach mere minutes prior.
Erik notches the highest score of the week and his highest of the season, pushing him up two places to 8th, just below Nic who moves down from 6th to 7th after the loss. Nic will find 6th-place Milo (EvianDon; 4-3) in a tight Week 8 matchup that may well be decided by bad injuries and untimely byes.
All three of Erik’s wins this season have come when his opponent’s mom’s name consists of only two words. Bad news for his next adversary in 11th-place Miles (Daddy Campbell; 2-5), who’s confided in me that his matriarch’s moniker is indeed only dos palabras.
CALL HIM PAULYAMOROUS
^cuz he’s fucking everyone
For the first time since Week 3, Paul (helloimpaul; 132.86pts)’s point total was not in the top three scores of the week. The lowly sod was only able to put up a fourth-highest performance to knock out Miles (Daddy Campbell; 104.7pts) and extend his win streak to 4W, the longest streak of anyone so far this season. Paul maintains his lone spot on the podium’s peak for the second week running, our only 6-1 manager.
Commissioner Miles puts up the third-lowest score of the week in the loss, and has yet to score in the top half of any week this season, seven weeks in. He matches up against his mom (Erik Dagoberg; 3-4) in Week 8, while Paul and the 3rd-place Leaping Jesters (Will Price; 4-3) joust at the top.
BACK TO SWINGING WAYS
Sam (mistahbigdick; 127.52pts) fought back against the headline-curse rumors to put up his highest score since Week 1 of the season. While it was only enough for the 6th-highest total this week, his matchup against an underperforming Milo (EvianDon; 100.72pts) gave him the W. Milo scored the second-lowest total of the week, his worst performance since Week 3.
Milo drops to 6th-place and will play 7th-place Nic (Dickless Cameltoe; 3-4) in Week 8, while Sam finds league-bottom Trav (yumyucker; 2-5).
IS TRAV BACK?
After this season’s trials and travulations, our very own yumyucker might be about to hit the bounceback he’s been promising. The return of Rashee Rice (23.2pts) and CeeDee Lamb (22.0pts) catapulted him to victory over an unlikely opponent, defeating Blue (blueballs), who went into this week in second-place, by a massive 41.64pts.
The return of Blue’s own IR player in George Kittle (0/2, 0pts) didn’t bode as well for him, as he put up the league’s lowest score of the week (75.14pts). Prior to this week, Blue hadn’t scored lower than 5th-place all season, scoring in the top 3 in four of the seven weeks played. It’s his lowest score of the season by 34.5pts.
The loss knocks Blue off the podium into 4th-place before he matches up with 10th-place Christian (Steeler Virginity; 2-5) in Week 8. Trav will look to keep it rolling against 5th-place Sam (mistahbigdick; 4-3).
FULL MONTY
Entering MNF needing David Montgomery to score only 0.86pts, it was squeaky-bum time for Havi (PapiCoop; 133.26pts) as the Lions RB only amounted to 5.9pts on the night behind an explosive performance by lead back Jahmyr Gibbs (36.8pts). Still, it was enough to hand Christian (Steeler Virginity; 128.22pts) his second loss on the trot, despite putting up the week’s fifth-highest score. Christian continues to be a boom-or-bust manager in 2025, putting up his third score of over 128pts this season, with the rest of his weekly totals not breaching 100pts.
Despite the win, PapiCoop falls to 9th-place as Erik (Gibbs’ manager)’s PF tops Havi’s by less than 3pts. He and a reinvigorated Ja’Marr Chase will look to build a streak against 2nd-place Mosko (fantasyboy12345; 5-2) as Christian faces off against 4th-place Blue (blueballs; 4-3).
PODIUM BATTLE
Two of the league’s heaviest hitters faced off in Week 7 as Mosko (fantasyboy12345; 133.84pts) took down Will (Leaping Jesters; 125.94pts) in a high-scoring matchup that shook up the standings.
Blue’s loss to last-place Trav knocks him down to 4th-place as Mosko and Will clamber over him and onto the podium. Will and Blue’s losses, however, level the playoff picture significantly, as third-place through sixth all sit at 4-3.
In a season that was defined by our top three/four managers being seemingly uncatchable, this proves we’ve still got a lot of football to play. Strap on in boys, season’s not done yet.
A Jac/kob matchup awaits in Week 8, as Mosko finds 9th-place Havi (PapiCoop; 3-4), and another high-level game for Will comes next week against podium-topper Paul, as he looks to snap a two-game losing streak.
A half-season manager-by-manager breakdown is coming tomorrow.
Set those waivers and thank the Lord that no international games grace the calendar in Week 8. Sleep in boys, you deserve it.
Until next time, here’s me saying goodbye. Goodbye!
WHEN PAUL GOES HIGH, WILL GOES LOW
WAXBALL 2025 Week 6
A new league-lowest is tallied in an overall dreadful week for fantasy football… for everyone but Paul.
As always, I’m your faggy, albeit slightly belated, completely neutral statman Nicholas Hamilton. Let’s wrap up Week 6 of Waxball 2025.
HIGHS—MEET LOWS
The average fantasy football score in Week 6 across Sleeper, ESPN, Yahoo and CBS was 81.97pts. So it comes as no surprise that half of our Waxball managers scored within 15pts of that, including Will Price and the Leaping Jesters (70.3pts), who put up the lowest total of any team this season by 8.42pts. Will (scoring 144pts last week—more than double this week’s total) also becomes the first manager to have their score doubled by another manager in the same week. He drops off the podium, as second becomes fourth.
Paul (helloimpaul; 179.44pts), fast becoming a manager for the ages, crushed the season-highest score of 171.58pts he himself set two weeks ago. Paul trounced fellow 4-1 manager Blue (blueballs; 109.64pts) as one of only three managers to score above 120pts in Week 6. With Will and Blue failing to get a W, Paul sits atop the table as the only 5-1 manager.
Paul holds the highest PF by over 50pts and the third-highest PA. He is on the longest active win streak in the league with 3W. He started a top 5 player in every position this week, including the week’s best WR in Pickens, third-best WR in JSN, and the week’s best K in Eddy Pineiro. I can’t overstate it, the guy’s a monster.
But he is a ginger. Shows you can’t have it all.
Paul latches onto 11th-place Miles (Daddy Campbell; 2-4) in Week 7, as Will aims to bounce back against fellow 4-2 manager Mosko (fantasyboy12345; 3rd).
MISSED OPPORTUNITIES
I get it. Life gets busy, things come up, fantasy football takes a backseat. You just hope that your misses don’t screw your weeks and set you up for calendar duties. Unfortunately, two managers fell to complacency this week.
Sam (mistahbigdick; 89.2pts), plagued by bye weeks and injuries, started Chuba Hubbard, who missed his second consecutive week with a calf injury. Sam ended up losing his week by 3.74pts, as Mosko (fantasyboy12345; 92.94pts) squeaked out a win despite putting up less than 130pts for only the second time this season. If Sam had fielded any of the top 10 waiver wire RBs this week, the 3.74pt difference would’ve been made up, and he would’ve taken the W.
Christian (Steeler Virginity; 95.9pts) had a similar week, failing to swap out his QB and RB before the 6:30am PT London game, a move that would’ve granted him an extra 45.58pts and smashed his opponent Nic (Dickless Cameltoe; 122.98pts) by almost 20pts. When asked about his choices, Christian said “i just haven’t been on my game” and “it’s been mayhem over at les mis, rehearsals and put ins for the last 4 weeks 😭”. He’ll hope to dream a dream next week against fellow 2-4 manager Jakob (PapiCoop; 8th).
Call it the headline curse, but since MISTAHBIGDICK SWUNG IT AROUND in Week 1, Sam has put up an average of 103.94pts, including two scores in the bottom three of the week. He falls to 7th and will look to climb back into the playoff picture against 5th-place Milo (EvianDon; 4-2) in Week 7.
SUDDENLY MILO
Despite holding the lowest PF in the top half of the league by almost 40pts, Milo (EvianDon; 4-2)’s win takes him to 5th-place amongst the league’s heaviest-hitters. One of only three managers to score over 120pts this week, he crushed Will by 57.34pts to extend his win streak to 2W.
It was a good week for Manheim, who put up a statline of 2pts, 1 assist (B. Safdie), 1 block (S. Kaufman), 1 gettingdunkedontoshit (W. Chandler) and 1 critical defensive performance (T. Rizzler) in the Knicks celebrity basketball game AND came away with the fantasy win. What a life.
Milo will aim to continue his good fortune against 7th-place Sam (mistahbigdick; 3-3) in Week 7.
JUSTICE FOR TULSA TRAV
I’m gonna try not to harp on last week’s wrap-up beatdown of Trav (yumyucker; 12th). In a tough week for fantasy, Trav was unable to eke out a win against 11th-place Miles (Daddy Campbell; 2-4), becoming the sole 1-5 manager in the league. Despite Miles’ win, he falls one spot to 11th-place, leapfrogged by Erik (Annalisa Martinez; 4-2) who was able to triumph over her son Jakob (PapiCoop; 2-4).
With Rashee Rice and Ceedee Lamb both likely to return in Week 7, Trav may be due for a bounce back, as he faces a tough opponent in 2nd-place Blue (blueballs; 4-2). Miles will also hope his team finds their feet, as he matches up with league-leader Paul (helloimpaul; 5-1) in Week 7.
Erik will face me (Dickless Cameltoe; 3-3) next week, no doubt becoming my mother in the process.
PODIUM SHUFFLES ONCE AGAIN
As quick as he left, early-season powerhouse Mosko (fantasyboy12345; 4-2) has clambered back onto the podium, as himself and Paul (helloimpaul; 5-1) leapfrog Will (Leaping Jesters; 4-2), leaving him in 4th-place.
Blue (blueballs; 4-2) falls to 2nd after his blowout loss to Paul. Blue holds the league’s highest PA of 131.92pts/wk, making his silver status that much more impressive.
Our top two will face classic trap games next week, as Paul takes on 11th-place Miles (Daddy Campbell; 2-4) and Blue takes on 12th-place Trav (yumyucker; 1-5). 3rd- and 4th-place Mosko and Will face off in what could be the game of the week—one that might come down to byes, with Lamar Jackson sidelined for Will and Mosko’s full (healthy) roster taking the field.
🚨IMPORTANT:
The LOS ANGELES RAMS will play the JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS at 9:30AM ET (6:30AM PT) in London on Sunday. Turn on auto-subs, double-check your rosters and/or make sure you’re up for the game — we’ve seen first-hand how it could make or break your week.
Paul wants to pull away from the pack. Trav yearns to be back in the fold. The rest of us still wouldn’t mind some head lol i mean come on.
Until next time, here’s me saying goodbye. Goodbye!
BLUE BALLS COMETH
WAXBALL 2025 Week 5
After a fierce battle between two 4-1 giants, we have a new league leader. But some gay little Jesters are on his tail.
As always, I’m your grateful, relaxed, finally at peace, completely neutral statman Nicholas Hamilton. Let’s wrap up Week 5 of Waxball 2025.
A NEW PODIUM
A MNF injury to the Jaguars’ Brenton Strange may have been the deciding factor in a tight matchup between two heavyweights in Mosko (fantasyboy12345; 134.74pts) and Paul (helloimpaul; 138.08pts), as Paul leapfrogs into third place with a 4-1 record. Mosko can take solace in still maintaining the highest PF total of 667.56pts, though he drops off the podium for the first time since Week 2.
Mosko’s matchup opened the door for last week’s second- and third-place managers to scooch up a spot each, as Blue (BlueBalls; 138.2pts) and Will (Leaping Jesters; 143.74pts) put up the two highest scores of the week to win their matchups. Blue only barely holds gold, leading Will by just 1.96pts over the whole season so far (662.96 v 661.0). In their Week 2 matchup, Will prevailed by 2.84pts, Blue’s only loss so far this season.
Blue maintains his streak of scoring at least 124pts every week so far, and is yet to fall below the 4th-highest score every week. Will touts the highest score of the week for the second time this season, extending his record win streak to 4.
Week 6 will see another massive matchup, as first-place Blue (BlueBalls; 4-1) takes on third-place Paul (helloimpaul; 4-1), meaning we will have at least one 5-1 manager at the end of the week. Mosko (fantasyboy12345; 3-2) will face 5th-place Sam (mistahbigdick; 3-2) as Will (Leaping Jesters; 4-1) goes up against 6th-place Milo (EvianDon; 3-2).
NO MORE STREAKERS
The tied-longest losing streaks of the season (3L) have ended, as both Nic (Dickless Cameltoe; 2-3) and Christian (Steeler Virginity; 2-3) bookend their young seasons with a win. The longest losing streaks now belong to Jakob, Trav and Erik (2L).
Our reigning champ is proving to be boom or bust, as Christian put up his second highest score of the season (135.02pts), only his second time scoring above 100pts so far. Nic (finally) lands in a matchup of more than 2pts difference for the first time since Week 2, defeating commissioner Miles (Daddy Campbell; 117.14pts) who lost despite putting up his highest score of the season, falling to 10th-place.
Our streak-breakers face each other next week, as 7th-place Nic and 9th-place Christian attempt to pull themselves into the winner’s bracket for the first time since Week 1.
BIG DICK GOES SOFT
The lowest score of the season, a record previously held by Jakob (PapiCoop; 81.92pts) since Week 1, has been snatched by Sam (mistahbigdick; 78.72pts). Sam, who hadn’t scored below 107pts all season, was crushed by Christian (Steeler Virginity; 135.02pts), who put up the 4th-highest score of the week.
Sam doesn’t have it easy in Week 6, facing up against the league’s top scorer in 4th-place Mosko (fantasyboy12345; 3-2). PapiCoop (2-3), after losing his second in a row in a high-scoring battle with podium-topper Blue (BlueBalls; 4-1), falls to 8th and will face 9th-place Erik (*Insert Jakob’s Mom’s Name Here*; 2-3) in Week 6.
THROWING IN THE TOWEL?
He hates to hear it.
I hate to write it.
But yumyucker’s in trouble.
After securing his 0.02pt win over Dickless Cameltoe in Week 3, prolific stage actor and star of The Outsiders (on tour now) Travis Roy Rogers (yumyucker; 1-4) sits at the bottom of the table for the second week running. He is still yet to score over 100pts in a week, putting up 83.32pts against Milo (EvianDon; 115.86pts), the second-lowest score of Week 5.
We reached out to Rogers for comment but have yet to hear back.
He isn’t the only manager at 1-4, but his average of 95.28pts/week puts him in a tricky position ahead of matchup against fellow bottom of the table manager Miles (Daddy Campbell; 10th).
🚨IMPORTANT:
Denver will play the Jets at 9:30AM ET (6:30AM PT) in London on Sunday. Turn on auto-subs or make sure you’re up for the game — or you’re gay.
We will have at least one 5-1 team after this week, at most two. Same goes for 1-5.
The men in the middle hunger for a headline… and some head tbh lol some head would be nice yeah.
Until next time, here’s me saying goodbye. Goodbye!
PAUL BLART: POINT COP — Noob Quietly Breaks High Score
WAXBALL 2025 Week 4
As two cheeky men battled until the end, a rookie slipped through the cracks and broke an ‘unbreakable’ record… and he didn’t even invite Guinness.
As always, I’m your sexy, genuinely suicidal now, completely neutral statman Nicholas Hamilton. Let’s wrap up Week 4 of Waxball 2025.
PAUL SAYS HELLO
Our pubeless friend’s “possible season-high score” of 170.40pts in Week 2 has already been overtaken. Paul (helloimpaul; 171.58pts) was victorious over fellow league newbie Milo (EvianDon; 128.46pts) who, despite Ashton Jeanty’s 33.5pt week, was no match for Paul’s dominance. The record-breaker almost doubled the lowest score of the week, put up by Christian (Steeler Virginity; 87.98pts). If Paul had played his strongest lineup, he would have totted up 202.36pts. Insane week.
Both players in this matchup somehow jump up one position in the standings, before 6th-place Milo (EvianDon; 2-2) takes on last-place Trav (yumyucker; 1-3) in Week 5 and 4th-place Paul (helloimpaul; 3-1) will match up against the man whose record he broke, league leader Mosko (fantasyboy12345; 3-1).
🍑 MONDAY NIGHT BLUES 🍑
In a Battle of the Asses, Nic (Dickless Cameltoe; 138.9pts), for the second week running, found himself losing the week in the 4th quarter of the final MNF game, falling to Miles Blue (blueballs; 140.3pts) by 1.4pts. J.K. Dobbins, largely invisible in Monday’s game against the Bengals, ran for 19 yards on his final play of the game, when Blue only needed 2.
Blue has yet to score below 124pts nor has he placed lower than 4th in the all-play rankings so far this season. Nic put up his highest score of the season by over 20pts, third-best score of the week, yet falls to 1-3 (8th).
Blue’s win takes him up to 2nd-place before he faces 7th-place Jakob Cooper (PapiCoop; 2-2) in Week 5. Dickless will hope to break the league’s tied longest active losing streak next week against 9th-place Miles Elliot (Daddy Campbell; 1-3).
MOM GETS BEAT
Sam (mistahbigdick; 127.06pts) was able to break the curse as he became the first person to beat Erik (Miriam Natasha Labovitz; 104.44pts) since he began his quest to be all of our mothers.
Sam (3-1) somehow moves down to 5th before next week’s matchup with 11th-place Christian (Steeler Virginity; 1-3).
Milo (EvianDon) will get a second chance at defeating his matriarch in Week 14, but until then Erik stays 10th and will face 3rd-place Will Price and the Leaping Jesters (3-1) in Week 5.
STARS STAY SHINING
The three managers singled out last week as scary opponents have retained their podium positions, as blueballs’ high score leapfrogs him to 2nd-place over Will Price and the Leaping Jesters. Jakob Moskovitz (fantasyboy12345) stays top for the second week running, boasting the largest PF in the league.
Both Mosko and Will had it easier than Blue this week, as they faced the two lowest scorers and bottom of the table Trav (yumyucker) and Christian (Steeler Virginity), the latter scoring the week’s lowest total for the second time this season. The matchups weren’t close, as Mosko and Will blew out their opponents by 45.46pts and 43.3pts, respectively.
Blue will next face 7th-place Jakob Cooper (PapiCoop; 2-2), who handed our lowly commissioner Miles (Daddy Campbell; 9th) his first win in Week 4.
Will is up next in the Mother Bowl, seeing 10th place Erik (1-3) in Week 5.
In the game of the week, Mosko will come up against his record-stealing foe, 4th-place Paul (helloimpaul; 3-1), who will be looking to find himself on the podium for the first time since Week 2.
🚨IMPORTANT:
Minnesota will play the Browns at 9:30AM ET (6:30AM PT) in London on Sunday. Turn on auto-subs or make sure you’re up for the game — you don’t want to pull a Christian.
After a month of play, five (5) managers are tied for the best record in the league. Five (5) managers are tied for the worst. Game on and godspeed.
Until next time, here’s me saying goodbye. Goodbye!
HASHTAG #NOKINGSWEEK
WAXBALL 2025 Week 3
The world takes a sigh of relief as not one fantasy manager was able to notch a 3-0 start to the Waxball 2025 season.
In 0-3, on the other hand, a commissioner finds a home.
As always, I’m your cheated, definitely not upset just disappointed, completely neutral statman Nicholas Hamilton. Let’s wrap up Week 3 of Waxball 2025.
DOES ANYONE HAVE A GUN? LET ME SEE. NO I JUST WANT TO SEE, LIKE, WHAT THE INSIDE LOOKS LIKE AND HOW THE BULLETS TASTE.
After Sam Labovitz (mistahbigdick)’s 0.08pt squeaker last week, all of the matchups this week were supposed to be cut and dry. Surely the fantasy gods were going to give us all a break, at least for the week. But, like Jakob Cooper losing his virginity in a really cool way, that didn’t happen.
When Ceedee Lamb limped off the field on Sunday carrying a big ol’ goose egg, you can imagine how elated I felt. My lackluster team was going to limp through another undeserved W. But then I scrolled down. And remembered. My opponent’s D/ST (Minnesota) had done the Cowboys star receiver’s job for him, putting up 30pts against a Burrow-less Bengals offense.
So, then came Monday Night. The matchup between myself (Dickless Cameltoe) and Trav Rogers (yumyucker) was projected exactly 50/50. To win, Trav needed Jared Goff to score 5.36pts+ more than his TE LaPorta, and I needed a Xanax.
The Ravens were able to mostly contain the Detroit QB for the first three quarters as we entered the 4th separated by just 0.8pts in my favor.
The group chat lit up like Miles Blue’s eyes at a buffet as Detroit mostly ran the ball and Goff wasn’t allowed to throw one completion… until the two-minute warning. On a 4th & 2, on the halfway line, leading by 7pts, Dan Wrecking Ball Testicles Campbell decided to go for it. Goff sailed an overdramatic 20 yarder down the right side to Amon-Ra St. Brown to give yumyucker a 0.12pt lead.
The Ravens got a quick touchdown and attempted an onside kick, right into the arms of my guy LaPorta, who I swear gained a yard on the return. Should count.
Goff knelt once to bring the gap down to 0.02pts, and the Ravens decided not to test Graham Glasgow’s handoff capabilities. They sat on their final two timeouts. The game was over, and I yearned for the noose.
If Goff had taken one more knee thrown for one less yard, I would’ve taken the win. I’ll be thinking about that for some time.
Trav finally gets his first victory to tie me at 1-2. We’ll both face tough opponents in Week 4, as yumyucker sees 1st-place Jacob Moskovitz (fantasyboy12345; 2-1) and I match up against 3rd-place Miles Blue (blueballs; 2-1).
NO KINGS ONE JESTER
Our invincible three were all torn down this week, as our newbies Milo Manheim (EvianDon; 87.22pts) and Paul Legallet (helloimpaul; 95.24) put up the two lowest scores of the week, and Sam Labovitz (mistahbigdick; 117.32) underperformed his projected win over a powerful Miles Blue (blueballs; 131.94).
Their losses take all three men off of the podium, and knocks EvianDon (7th) out of the playoff picture entirely. Our newbie managers face off against each other this week, while Mistahbigdick plays 10th-place Erik Dagoberg (*Insert Sam’s Mom’s Name Here; 1-2).
We send our condolences and calendar shoot themes to our commissioner Miles Elliot (Daddy Campbell; 0-3) who failed to notch his first win of the season against this week’s highest scorer in Will Price (Leaping Jesters; 145.82pts). He’ll hope to get his season going in Week 4 against 6th-place Jakob Cooper (PapiCoop; 2-1) who left a possible 165.76pt total on his bench in Week 3.
BEATEN BY MOM
The league braces for their eventual matchups against 10th-place Erik Dagoberg (1-2). Not because of his point totals (103.13pt avg), but as he has pledged to change his team name every week to his opponent’s mother’s name.
We laugh now but, in the first instance of this new ritual, Camryn Manheim was able to destroy her son EvianDon by the largest win margin of the week (40.1pts). It might be a good-luck charm. One we can all be grateful requires no actual rubbing.
RISING STARS
Although we are early on in the season, three managers stand out to me as scary opponents.
Miles Blue (blueballs; 2-1 — 3rd) has yet to put up a score lower than 124pts.
Will Price (Leaping Jesters; 2-1 — 2nd) has been in the top two scorers of the week for two weeks running, topping the table this go around.
Jakob Moskovitz (fantasyboy12345; 2-1 — 1st) followed his generational 170pt performance with a more-than-respectable 132.62pt showing this week.
All three managers also top the league in average pts scored. Their Week 4 opponents pray for a stumble as fantasyboy12345 faces yumyucker, the Leaping Jesters meet Steeler Virginity and blueballs brush up against a Dickless Cameltoe.
We thank the fantasy gods for this bountiful spread (Blue’s ass in his profile picture) and for keeping the league competitive. I’m on my way to the gun store.
Until next time, here’s me saying goodbye. Goodbye!
Jacob Too-Much-skovitz Makes Sure We Can See His Pubes
WAXBALL 2025 Week 2
In a week of multiple agonizingly close defeats, newbie dominance, and a possible season-high score, the entire league can agree on one thing… all of our necks are still intact. More than some can say.
As always, I’m your physically blessed, completely neutral, schlong-ified statman Nicholas Hamilton. Let’s wrap up Week 2 of Waxball 2025.
MOSKO MOSKO MAN
Someone must’ve fed Jacob Moskovitz (fantasyboy12345)’s entire lineup some kind of horse drug this week, as they combined to put up a staggering 170.40pts. That point total would’ve been enough to thrash the second-place Leaping Jesters by 40pts, let alone Mosko’s actual opponent Erik Dagoberg (Ricky McFricky) who failed to crack 100pts for the second week running. McFricky went for a lowly 98.44pts to secure the second-lowest point total of the week, a stat he also achieved in Week 1.
Mosko’s dominating display comes after he was only able to put together 91.12pts in Week 1, proving to Erik that bounce-backs are very possible. Erik will face undefeated Milo Manheim (EvianDon; 2-0) in Week 3, as Mosko lines up against Christian Engelhardt (Steeler Virginity; 1-1).
BAD WEEK TO BE A MILES
An unlucky few days for Miles Elliot (Daddy Campbell; 107.34pts), as his favorite guy was shot in the neck and he was pipped by Sam Labovitz (mistahbigdick; 107.42pts) by just 0.08pts on the week. It’s the first instance this season of an individual player scoring over 35pts on their own (Malik Nabers; 37.7pts) and still not carrying their fantasy manager to a win.
It proved to be a bad week for 2024’s 37th-most popular boy name, as Miles Blue (BlueBalls; 125.84pts) was edged out by Will Price (Leaping Jesters; 127.60pts) to the tune of 1.76pts. To add insult to injury, Blue’s score would’ve been enough to beat everyone in the league this week except for his opponent Will and 170pt monster Mosko.
This foursome will all meet again in Week 3, when BlueBalls faces undefeated mistahbigdick and the Leaping Jesters matches up against Daddy Campbell.
MISSED POINTS PROVE COSTLY
This may be the last week I include this stat, as hindsight is obviously 20/20. That said, if both managers in a matchup that saw Jakob Cooper (PapiCoop; 113pts) take down Trav Rogers (yumyucker; 102.7pts) had played their optimized lineups, Trav would’ve edged Coop by 0.36pts and taken the win.
Trav will hope to snag his first W in Week 3 against Nic (Dickless Cameltoe; 1-1). PapiCoop will take on undefeated Paul (helloimpaul; 2-0)
OUR LEAGUE LEADERS
Two league newbies grace the top of the ladder at the end of Week 2. Paul (helloimpaul) and Milo (EvianDon) sit just below Sam (mistahbigdick) on point difference. Who let these two in here? Is there someone I can call?
EvianDon (100.1pts) just barely cracked triple digits on the week to secure a perhaps fortunate win against this week’s lowest scorer Christian (Steeler Virginity; 88.38pts), who left a possible 127pt total on his bench. Hey, a dub’s a dub.
After realizing late on that Younghoe Koo was inactive, Paul (helloimpaul; 123.34pts) picked up Falcons replacement kicker Tony Romo after the Sunday 4pm games had already kicked off. Romo proceeded to score 18pts in a field-goal fest of a SNF, leading Paul to a 8.56pt win over yours truly (Dickless Cameltoe; 114.78pts).
All three undefeated managers will have a chance to go 3-0 in Week 3, before Milo meets Paul in Week 4.
Long season ahead, lads. Lick your wounds (turf toes, etc.) while you can. We’re back on Thursday night when the Dolphins take on the Bills.
Until next time, here’s me saying goodbye. Goodbye!
MISTAHBIGDICK Swings It Around In Week 1
WAXBALL 2025 Week 1
WE’RE SO FUCKING BACK.
The masochistic league that punishes more intensely than it rewards has finally returned for a second season. This year’s loser may get the privilege of keeping their bush unpruned, but may want to trim anyway in preparation for a calendar photoshoot that could leave little to the imagination.
As always, I’m your entirely unbiased, completely neutral, immensely handsome statman Nicholas Hamilton. Let’s wrap up Week 1 of Waxball 2025.
WHO LET THIS HAPPEN??
Who would’ve thought? The league allowed one man to draft both the projected QB1 and RB1 and they were punished for it. More specifically, Willy Price of the Leaping Jesters was punished for it, falling to Sam (Mistahbigdick) despite Willy P putting up the 6th best score of the week (112.56pts). Still, this is nothing against Mr. Large Penis, who could’ve scored 164.06pts if he played his ideal lineup. I personally am terrified of playing the guy. One to watch for an invincible season.
POINTS LEFT IN THE LURCH
Similar to Sam, a victorious Blue (blueballs; 1-0, 127.68pts) could’ve made an even larger mark on the scoresheet, leaving a possible 163.68pt total on his bench. Even then, he was able to pull out a win against 8th place Miles (Daddy Campbell; 95.72pts). With Kittle out on IR, we should expect some shuffling in Blue’s lineup as he approaches a Week 2 matchup with the Leaping Jesters.
THE KING LOOKS GOOD 👀
In a battle of second-highest score v second-lowest score, Christian (Steeler Virginity) blew out Erik (Ricky McFricky) by a massive 53.28pts (136.92pts to 83.64pts). A possible injury to projected TE1 Brock Bowers may halt reigning Waxball Champ Christian’s impeccable first week form but, as it stands early-days, he’s also one to watch in the title race, with Justin Fields and CMC both putting up over 23pts each in Week 1.
BABIES TAKE THEIR FIRST STEPS TOGETHER
A welcome to our newcomers — the men who escaped the threat of a ball-waxing last season. Milo (EvianDon) and true newbie Paul (helloimpaul) bizarrely scored within 1pt of each other in Week 1, 0.24pts to be exact (118.48 and 118.72, respectively). They also both won their Week 1 matchups, against Jacob (team fantasyboy12345; 91.12pts) and Trav (yumyucker; 94.8pts) Our similarly matched rookies will meet up in Week 4.
MORE LIKE JA’MARR CHASE-ING POINTS
In a week of unexpected false starts by supposed star players, last place Jakob (Papi Coop; 81.92pts) was perhaps punished the most, as neither Ja’Marr Chase nor AJ Brown scored higher than 5pts each and his two starting RBs put up a combined 15pts. This allowed Nic (Dickless Cameltoe; 107.42pts) to eke out a win despite ending the week with the 7th highest score. Will Coop’s starters pick it up? Will he have to rely on Garrett Wilson (22.5pts) and Kyler Murray (18.32pts) to save his season? Time will tell.