I’M GONNA WIN THE WHOLE FUCKING THING
The Jesters Leap off the podium, making way for an aging twink, overflowing with unfounded confidence.
As always, I’m your striving to do thriving, completely neutral statman Nicholas Hamilton. Let’s wrap up Week 9 of Waxball 2025.
DICKLESS & DOMINANT
I’m not gonna spend too much time on this. After all, the only thing separating 3rd and 6th place is 13.14pts. With five managers on 5-4, the difference between a bye in the first round of the playoffs and a spot in the toilet bowl may well come down to points scored.
Drake London’s 38.8pt week elevated me (Dickless Cameltoe; 137.2pts) to a podium spot, the first time I’ve been higher than 6th all season.
In contrast, Will (Leaping Jesters; 80.36pts) put up his second-lowest score of the season to drop down to 6th, the lowest he’s been since Week 2.
Will has been on the podium for five of the nine weeks played, tied second-most with Blue (blueballs; 5-3), despite this being the second time this season he’s put up the lowest score of the week.
In a sort of kismet coincidence, Will and Nic face off this upcoming week — as Will hopes to regain his spot and push Dickless back down where I came from.
MOSKOVITZ & LEGALLET
^to the tune of Ebony & Ivory by Paul McCartney
For the third week in a row, Paul (helloimpaul; 7-2) and Mosko (fantasyboy12345; 6-3) occupy the top two spots in the standings. The two heavyweights have been on the podium more than anyone else this season, taking a medal spot in six of the nine weeks played.
Mosko maintains the second-highest PF in the league. Despite taking an L to Dickless this week, Blue and Will’s losses allowed Mosko to keep his second-place ranking going into Week 10.
Paul has yet to sit lower than 5th this season. He’s posted a score in the top 4 of the week in all but two matchups. At the highest PF in the league, he’s earned his top spot, scoring an average of 131.46pts/week, including the highest score of the season so far of 179.94pts in Week 6.
When Paul and Mosko faced off in Week 5, Paul came out on top with one of the most narrow wins of the season (138.08pts v 134.74pts). Paul’s been big brothering Mosko all season, but Mosko may have a chance this week to rise above. He faces an easier matchup on paper against league bottom Miles (Daddy Campbell; 2-7), while Paul faces in-form Christian (Steeler Virginity; 3-6) who put up a monster 162.68pts this past weekend.
MOM’S STREAKING
In one of the best storylines of the season, Erik (Judith Blue; 114.34pts)’s two-name mother curse continued as Judith defeated her son (blueballs; 97.66pts) to extend her streak to 4W, tied for the longest this season with Paul.
Erik’s relatively low winning score kept him in 5th-place after he jumped up from 8th last week. In Erik’s four consecutive wins, his opponents have put up a meek average of 107.92pts/week, begging the question — is the two-name curse real?
We may get our answer next week, as he faces off against an in-form Trav (yumyucker; 4-5), a man with a two-moniker mother.
THIS IS 27
Ruining what would’ve been quite a fun headline, Havi (PapiCoop; 109.62pts) was unable to celebrate his birthday with a fantasy win, and had to settle for the love of his friends and family instead. His second consecutive loss results in a fall to 11th-place, the lowest he’s been since Week 1. He’s yet to place higher than 6th and has not gone up in the standings since Week 3.
Milo (EvianDon; 146.2pts) has had a bumpy month, putting up the week’s second-highest score twice and the week’s second-lowest score twice in the past four matchups. He rises a spot to 7th, the only manager with a winning record to not find himself in the playoff picture.
In Week 10, PapiCoop faces off against 8th-place Sam (mistahbigdick; 4-5) and EvianDon matches up with perennial 4th-place Blue (blueballs; 5-4).
CHRISTIAN VALUES
Christian (Steeler Virginity; 162.68pts) finally had the monster week he’s been looking for, putting up the highest score of the week for his first time this season. His first win since Week 5 comes against lowly Miles (Daddy Campbell; 93.7pts) who falls to 2-7 and desperately needs a win to keep himself in reach of the playoffs. It might prove difficult, as his Week 10 matchup comes against 2nd-place Mosko (fantasyboy12345; 6-3), though Miles actually outscored Mosko by 1.2pts this past weekend.
Christian, who has put up the lowest score of the week twice this season (tied most with Will), boasts the highest PF in the bottom half of the table, scoring an average of 115.78pts/week. Christian will look to steady a weird up-and-down season against 1st-place Paul (helloimpaul; 7-2) in Week 10.