HASHTAG #NOKINGSWEEK
The world takes a sigh of relief as not one fantasy manager was able to notch a 3-0 start to the Waxball 2025 season.
In 0-3, on the other hand, a commissioner finds a home.
As always, I’m your cheated, definitely not upset just disappointed, completely neutral statman Nicholas Hamilton. Let’s wrap up Week 2 of Waxball 2025.
DOES ANYONE HAVE A GUN? LET ME SEE. NO I JUST WANT TO SEE, LIKE, WHAT THE INSIDE LOOKS LIKE AND HOW THE BULLETS TASTE.
After Sam Labovitz (mistahbigdick)’s 0.08pt squeaker last week, all of the matchups this week were supposed to be cut and dry. Surely the fantasy gods were going to give us all a break, at least for the week. But, like Jakob Cooper losing his virginity in a really cool way, that didn’t happen.
When Ceedee Lamb limped off the field on Sunday carrying a big ol’ goose egg, you can imagine how elated I felt. My lackluster team was going to limp through another undeserved W. But then I scrolled down. And remembered. My opponent’s D/ST (Minnesota) had done the Cowboys star receiver’s job for him, putting up 30pts against a Burrow-less Bengals offense.
So, then came Monday Night. The matchup between myself (Dickless Cameltoe) and Trav Rogers (yumyucker) was projected exactly 50/50. To win, Trav needed Jared Goff to score 5.36pts+ more than his TE LaPorta, and I needed a Xanax.
The Ravens were able to mostly contain the Detroit QB for the first three quarters as we entered the 4th separated by just 0.8pts in my favor.
The group chat lit up like Miles Blue’s eyes at a buffet as Detroit mostly ran the ball and Goff wasn’t allowed to throw one completion… until the two-minute warning. On a 4th & 2, on the halfway line, leading by 7pts, Dan Wrecking Ball Testicles Campbell decided to go for it. Goff sailed an overdramatic 20 yarder down the right side to Amon-Ra St. Brown to give yumyucker a 0.12pt lead.
The Ravens got a quick touchdown and attempted an onside kick, right into the arms of my guy LaPorta, who I swear gained a yard on the return. Should count.
Goff knelt once to bring the gap down to 0.02pts, and the Ravens decided not to test Graham Glasgow’s handoff capabilities. They sat on their final two timeouts. The game was over, and I yearned for the noose.
If Goff had taken one more knee thrown for one less yard, I would’ve taken the win. I’ll be thinking about that for some time.
Trav finally gets his first victory to tie me at 1-2. We’ll both face tough opponents in Week 4, as yumyucker sees 1st-place Jacob Moskovitz (fantasyboy12345; 2-1) and I match up against 3rd-place Miles Blue (blueballs; 2-1).
NO KINGS ONE JESTER
Our invincible three were all torn down this week, as our newbies Milo Manheim (EvianDon; 87.22pts) and Paul Legallet (helloimpaul; 95.24) put up the two lowest scores of the week, and Sam Labovitz (mistahbigdick; 117.32) underperformed his projected win over a powerful Miles Blue (blueballs; 131.94).
Their losses take all three men off of the podium, and knocks EvianDon (7th) out of the playoff picture entirely. Our newbie managers face off against each other this week, while Mistahbigdick plays 10th-place Erik Dagoberg (*Insert Sam’s Mom’s Name Here; 1-2).
We send our condolences and calendar shoot themes to our commissioner Miles Elliot (Daddy Campbell; 0-3) who failed to notch his first win of the season against this week’s highest scorer in Will Price (Leaping Jesters; 145.82pts). He’ll hope to get his season going in Week 4 against 6th-place Jakob Cooper (PapiCoop; 2-1) who left a possible 165.76pt total on his bench in Week 3.
BEATEN BY MOM
The league braces for their eventual matchups against 10th-place Erik Dagoberg (1-2). Not because of his point totals (103.13pt avg), but as he has pledged to change his team name every week to his opponent’s mother’s name.
We laugh now but, in the first instance of this new ritual, Camryn Manheim was able to destroy her son EvianDon by the largest win margin of the week (40.1pts). It might be a good-luck charm. One we can all be grateful requires no actual rubbing.
RISING STARS
Although we are early on in the season, three managers stand out to me as scary opponents.
Miles Blue (blueballs; 2-1 — 3rd) has yet to put up a score lower than 124pts.
Will Price (Leaping Jesters; 2-1 — 2nd) has been in the top two scorers of the week for two weeks running, topping the table this go around.
Jakob Moskovitz (fantasyboy12345; 2-1 — 1st) followed his generational 170pt performance with a more-than-respectable 132.62pt showing this week.
All three managers also top the league in average pts scored. Their Week 4 opponents pray for a stumble as fantasyboy12345 faces yumyucker, the Leaping Jesters meet Steeler Virginity and blueballs brush up against a Dickless Cameltoe.