MISTAHBIGDICK Swings It Around In Week 1
WE’RE SO FUCKING BACK.
The masochistic league that punishes more intensely than it rewards has finally returned for a second season. This year’s loser may get the privilege of keeping their bush unpruned, but may want to trim anyway in preparation for a calendar photoshoot that could leave little to the imagination.
As always, I’m your entirely unbiased, completely neutral, immensely handsome statman Nicholas Hamilton. Let’s wrap up Week 1 of Waxball 2025.
WHO LET THIS HAPPEN??
Who would’ve thought? The league allowed one man to draft both the projected QB1 and RB1 and they were punished for it. More specifically, Willy Price of the Leaping Jesters was punished for it, falling to Sam (Mistahbigdick) despite Willy P putting up the 6th best score of the week (112.56pts). Still, this is nothing against Mr. Large Penis, who could’ve scored 164.06pts if he played his ideal lineup. I personally am terrified of playing the guy. One to watch for an invincible season.
POINTS LEFT IN THE LURCH
Similar to Sam, a victorious Blue (blueballs; 1-0, 127.68pts) could’ve made an even larger mark on the scoresheet, leaving a possible 163.68pt total on his bench. Even then, he was able to pull out a win against 8th place Miles (Daddy Campbell; 95.72pts). With Kittle out on IR, we should expect some shuffling in Blue’s lineup as he approaches a Week 2 matchup with the Leaping Jesters.
THE KING LOOKS GOOD 👀
In a battle of second-highest score v second-lowest score, Christian (Steeler Virginity) blew out Erik (Ricky McFricky) by a massive 53.28pts (136.92pts to 83.64pts). A possible injury to projected TE1 Brock Bowers may halt reigning Waxball Champ Christian’s impeccable first week form but, as it stands early-days, he’s also one to watch in the title race, with Justin Fields and CMC both putting up over 23pts each in Week 1.
BABIES TAKE THEIR FIRST STEPS TOGETHER
A welcome to our newcomers — the men who escaped the threat of a ball-waxing last season. Milo (EvianDon) and true newbie Paul (helloimpaul) bizarrely scored within 1pt of each other in Week 1, 0.24pts to be exact (118.48 and 118.72, respectively). They also both won their Week 1 matchups, against Jacob (team fantasyboy12345; 91.12pts) and Trav (yumyucker; 94.8pts) Our similarly matched rookies will meet up in Week 4.
MORE LIKE JA’MARR CHASE-ING POINTS
In a week of unexpected false starts by supposed star players, last place Jakob (Papi Coop; 81.92pts) was perhaps punished the most, as neither Ja’Marr Chase nor AJ Brown scored higher than 5pts each and his two starting RBs put up a combined 15pts. This allowed Nic (Dickless Cameltoe; 107.42pts) to eke out a win despite ending the week with the 7th highest score. Will Coop’s starters pick it up? Will he have to rely on Garrett Wilson (22.5pts) and Kyler Murray (18.32pts) to save his season? Time will tell.