PLAYOFF WAXBALL
We’ve made it.
The 2025 Waxball Playoffs are nigh.
But who cares about that top 6? All eyes fall on…
THE TOILET BOWL.
As always, I’m your relieved, ecstatic, pre-cumming a little bit, completely neutral statman Nicholas Hamilton. Let’s wrap up Week 14 of Waxball 2025.
A GAME OF INCHES
MNF of Week 14 provided some stellar storylines, as seasons were saved and byes were procured in the final quarter of play.
In order to make the playoffs, Mosko (fantasyboy12345; 97.82pts) needed a win against Christian (Steeler Virginity; 69.7pts) and for Will (Leaping Jesters; 125.66pts) to lose his matchup. In the end, Saquon Barkley was unable to pull out 7.7 more points in a scrappy Eagles v Chargers game as Will fell to Miles (Daddy Campbell; 133.36pts) — who chose this week to put up his highest score of the season by over 15pts — securing 6th place for Mosko.
As it happens, luck played a huge factor as Will put up the third-highest score of the week and Mosko put up the ninth-highest. It’s Mosko’s first win in six weeks and Will’s second loss on the trot.
Higher up in the table, Blue (blueballs; 117.3pts) just needed Jalen Hurts to score positive points in MNF to secure a first week playoff bye. This proved more difficult than expected, as Hurts became the first quarterback in history to record two turnovers on the same play and completed the game with a statline of 240yd-0td-4int-1fum and a fantasy score of 0.4pts.
Blue squeaks by Erik (Camryn Manheim; 112.58pts) in the table by 0.74 PF to claim second-place and a first-week bye. A tough loss for Blue’s opponent Sam (mistahbigdick; 111.04pts), who lost his playoff spot in a much closer matchup than anticipated.
BROKEN RECORDS
A tough few days for Trav (yumyucker; 103.94pts) as his nose became fucked up and he was unable to reward his promising second-half of the season as he fell to Nic (Dickless Cameltoe; 136.96pts) — who put up the week’s highest score for the first time this season to maintain 5th and secure a playoff spot.
Trav’s Week 14 score is his second-lowest since Rashee Rice and Ceedee Lamb became available in Week 7. He ends the season on 6-8 after starting 1-5. A valiant effort that he’ll hope to keep up in order to avoid the calendar.
LOOKING AHEAD
Now let’s get to what happens next, what we’ve all been waiting for:
THE PLAYOFFS
Paul wins the regular season as the only manager on 10-4, securing a first-week playoff bye along with Blue who just squeaks in ahead of Erik on PF.
ERIK v MOSKO (3rd v 6th)
Mosko’s last-gasp effort to make the playoffs puts him in a formidable matchup against Erik, who has lost only once in the last nine weeks.
These two played each other twice in the regular season, with a record of 1-1 after Mosko was victorious in Week 2 and Erik took the win in Week 13.
Over the last six weeks, Mosko has a record of 1-5 and an average of 92.33pts/week. Erik’s record in that period stands at 5-1, with an average of 122.36pts/week.
Regardless of the result, Mosko will breathe relatively easy this week, knowing that we will not have the same Waxball loser in 2025 as in 2024. Erik ends the regular season with the same record as in 2024 of 9-5. He ended that season in 2nd after losing to Christian in the final.
The winner of this matchup will play Blue (2nd) in Week 16.
MILO v NIC (4th v 5th)
With his Week 14 loss, Milo falls from 2nd to 4th and will face Nic in Round 1. Nic came out on top when these two played in Week 8 — 112.56-84.98.
From Week 9 to 12, Milo put up over 129pts each matchup, but has since followed that stretch up with two scores under 110pts. His score of 77.18pts in Week 14 is his lowest this season, as Nic put up his highest-score this season in the same week (136.96pts).
Week 14 was the third time Milo has scored under 100pts this season — he’s followed up the other two instances with a score of over 128pts.
Nic (8-6) improved on his record of 7-7 last year as he makes the playoffs for the first time. He won both loser’s bracket games last season to end up in 5th place.
The winner of this matchup will play Paul (1st) in Week 16.
WILL v CHRISTIAN (7th v 10th)
The last time these two met was way back in Week 4, when Will crushed Christian by over 40pts. Since Week 6, neither manager has been unable to string together two wins in a row, with Christian going 4-10 on the season despite having the highest PF in the bottom-7.
The Jesters have been out of the top-6 for only three weeks this season. It’s bound to be a disappointing result, as Will’s strong start of 5-1 had us all wondering if he was going to redeem himself after a dismal 1-13 record in 2024. Last season, Will won both loser’s bracket games to finish the year in 7th out of 10.
The winner of Waxball 2024, Christian is on a run of 3L in a row, after putting up 155.54pts in Week 11. In fact, in all four of his wins this season, Christian scored more than 135pts. He’s yet to lose more than three consecutive games this season.
The loser of this matchup will play Havi (11th) in Week 16.
SAM v TRAV (8th v 9th)
In Week 8, Trav trounced Sam 137.12-99.02pts in the first week that Rashee Rice was active.
Trav ended last season in 3rd after going 9-5 on the regular season and beating Sam in the bronze medal matchup.
Sam went an impressive 10-4 in 2024, but failed to win either playoff match and ended the season in 4th place.
Since they played last, the two managers have the same record of 3-3, though Sam averaged 109.4pts/week in that period, compared to Trav’s 126.6pts/week.
The loser of this matchup will play Miles (12th) in Week 16.
SUPERLATIVES
As the regular season comes to a close, here are some fun facts before the serious business of playoff football begins:
HIGHEST SCORE
🥇 Paul (179.94pts — Week 6)
🥈 Erik (174.28pts — Week 10)
🥉 Paul (171.58pts — Week 4)
LOWEST SCORE
🥇 Mosko (61.14pts — Week 11)
🥈 Will (63.72pts — Week 11)
🥉 Christian (69.7pts — Week 14)
BIGGEST BLOWOUT
🥇 Erik (+85.18pts — v Trav/Week 10)
🥈 Blue (+77.36pts — v Mosko/Week 11)
🥉 Mosko (+71.96pts — v Erik/Week 2)
TIGHTEST WIN
🥇 Trav (+0.02pts — v Nic/Week 3)
🥈 Sam (+0.08pts — v Miles/Week 2)
🥉 Blue (+0.4pts — v Nic/Week 4)
LOWEST SCORE IN WIN
🥇 Havi (78.5pts — v Will (63.72pts)/Week 11)
🥈 Will (90.42pts — v Sam (81.02pts)/Week 12)
🥉 Sam (91.94pts — v Havi (91.94pts)/Week 10)
HIGHEST SCORE IN LOSS
🥇 Paul (144.16pts — v Trav (150.22pts)/Week 12)
🥈 Nic (138.9pts — v Blue (140.3pts)/Week 4)
🥉 Mosko (134.74pts — v Blue (138.2pts)/Week 5)
LONGEST WIN STREAK
Milo (5W — Week 9-13)
Erik (5W — Week 6-10)
LONGEST LOSING STREAK
Mosko (5L — Week 9-13)
MOST IMPROVED (compared to reg season 2024)
Will (1-13 ⬆️ 7-7)
BIGGEST FALL (compared to reg season 2024)
Christian (8-6 ⬇️ 4-10)
Miles (8-6 ⬇️ 4-10)
If the season was decided by All-Play (your record if you played every other manager every week), the table would look like this:
