THANKS GIVETH AND THANKS TAKETH AWAY
Manheim joins Legallet in the playoffs as two men huddle around a lowly commissioner in the toilet bowl.
As always, I’m your full of stuffing, out of thanks, completely neutral statman Nicholas Hamilton. Let’s wrap up Week 13 of Waxball 2025.
TRAVVING HIS BEST
After a dismal first half to the season, Trav (yumyucker; 170.62pts) has continued his resurgence by putting up the week’s highest score for the second consecutive matchup. AJ Brown (35.2pts) and Rashee Rice (29.4pts)’s highest PPR scores this season helped him in defeating 11th-place Havi (PapiCoop; 127.24pts), despite Havi putting up the third-highest score of the week.
In spite of his second win in a row, 6-7 Trav stays 9th and will need a win and some help in Week 14 to take a playoff spot and avoid the toilet bowl.
Trav goes up against 5th-place Nic (Dickless Cameltoe; 7-6) this week, who put up the second-highest score of Week 13. Havi will hope to avoid a first week toilet bowl bye by defeating league-leader Paul (helloimpaul; 9-4), who in Week 13 suffered his second loss in a row for the first time this season.
LAST MINUTE MANHEIM
It took until the Patriots’ final drive on MNF for Milo (EvianDon; 108.52pts) to secure his tightest win of the season over Christian (Steeler Virginity; 105.24pts), sealing both of their fates in the process.
Milo’s record 5th win in a row, the longest streak of anyone this season, took him from 8th- to 2nd-place in the span of those five weeks. His average score over that victorious streak is 134.88pts/week, compared to his 107.93pts/week average prior. By adding another W, he secures his place in the playoffs and avoids the calendar spread.
Christian’s loss cements his unlucky season as he secures his place in the toilet bowl. His PF is the highest in the bottom 8 and he’s the only losing-record manager with a higher PF than his PA. He’ll look to avoid a first week toilet bowl bye against 8th-place Mosko (fantasyboy12345; 6-7) who he fell to by over 30pts in Week 3.
In the first such case this season, a manager will face their mom for the second time, as 2nd-place Milo faces 3rd-place Erik (Camryn Manheim; 8-5) who trounced him in Week 3. The winner of this matchup may well secure that coveted first week bye.
UNICSPECTED
Prior to this week, Paul (helloimpaul; 80.5pts) hadn’t scored less than 110pts since Week 8 and had only done so twice all season, both resulting in a loss. His season-low score comes at an inopportune time, as Paul failed to secure a first week playoff bye and allowed Nic (Dickless Cameltoe; 127.84pts) to leapfrog back into the playoff picture.
Holding the top two scoring QBs of the week in his roster helped Nic put up the second-highest score on the week and his highest score since Week 9 to get revenge on Paul’s Week 2 victory. The unexpected win carries Nic to 5th-place before he faces Waxball’s most in-form manager in 9th-place Trav (yumyucker; 6-7) in Week 14. The two highest scoring Week 13 managers both need a win to keep our playoff hopes alive.
Paul can secure that first week bye with a win against 11th-place Havi (PapiCoop; 4-9), who in Week 13 outscored Paul for the first time since Week 8.
WHAT’S ‘L’ IN FRENCH?
Sitting in Paris admiring the big tower and eating croissants and wearing little hats can be distracting. So distracting, it seems, that Mosko (fantasyboy12345; 80.68pts) succumbed to suffering his 5th defeat in a row, the longest losing streak of anyone this season. The loss puts him Mosko in dire straits — just three weeks out from holding a podium spot he sits in 8th, his first time out of the playoff picture since Week 1. He’ll need a win against 10th-place Christian (Steeler Virginity; 4-9) and some help elsewhere to avoid a toilet bowl berth and a chance at a second-consecutive Waxball punishment.
Mosko’s loss came at the hands of Erik (Linda Caruso; 113.44pts) whose 2-word-mom-name curse continued to only ever be disproven by league-leader Paul in Week 11. It’s Erik’s 7th win in 8 weeks after going 1-4 to start the season. He sits in 3rd and will likely receive a first week playoff bye with a Week 14 win against 2nd-place Milo, who started the two-word-mom-name curse with his defeat in Week 3.
MILES AWAY
Commissioner Miles (Daddy Campbell; 107.04pts) fell to Sam (mistahbigdick; 115.92pts) to remain the sole manager with only three wins on the season. Miles has now spent seven weeks in 12th-place, the most of anyone this season ahead of Trav with five weeks.
With his highest-scoring player in Justin Herbert banged up ahead of Week 14, Miles will have to scrap out a win over 7th-place Will (Leaping Jesters; 7-6) and avoid a first week toilet bowl bye, though Havi and Christian would both have to lose and score much less than Miles for him to do so.
With the tight win, Sam pushes back into the playoff picture for the first time since Week 7. Since Week 4, Sam has followed up every 100pt+ score with a sub-100pt score the next week, which bodes well for his Week 14 opponent in 4th-place Blue (blueballs; 8-5). Blue defeated Sam in Week 3, which kicked off a three-game win streak for him.
FALLING JESTERS
Failing to follow up last week’s win with a victory over Blue (blueballs; 108.6pts), Will (Leaping Jesters; 76.44pts) put up under 100pts for the fourth time in five weeks to fall to 7th-place and out of the playoff picture for the first time since Week 1.
Not a player on Will’s roster was able to put up over 18pts as he scored the week’s lowest total for the third time this season, tied-most with 11th-place Havi. With the lowest PF among the winning-record managers, he’ll look to scrape into the playoffs with a win over commissioner Miles (Daddy Campbell; 3-10), our last-place manager. Over the last three weeks, Will holds an average of 76.86pts/week, whereas Miles has a 93.1pts/week average.
Despite the win, Blue failed to hold onto 3rd-place as Erik outscored him by 4.84pts and nudged him down to 4th. Blue faces 6th-place Sam (mistahbigdick; 7-6) in Week 14, as a win for Blue secures his spot in the playoffs and perhaps even a first week bye.