PAUL BLART: POINT COP — Noob Quietly Breaks High Score
As two cheeky men battled until the end, a rookie slipped through the cracks and broke an ‘unbreakable’ record… and he didn’t even invite Guinness.
As always, I’m your sexy, genuinely suicidal now, completely neutral statman Nicholas Hamilton. Let’s wrap up Week 4 of Waxball 2025.
PAUL SAYS HELLO
Our pubeless friend’s “possible season-high score” of 170.40pts in Week 2 has already been overtaken. Paul (helloimpaul; 171.58pts) was victorious over fellow league newbie Milo (EvianDon; 128.46pts) who, despite Ashton Jeanty’s 33.5pt week, was no match for Paul’s dominance. The record-breaker almost doubled the lowest score of the week, put up by Christian (Steeler Virginity; 87.98pts). If Paul had played his strongest lineup, he would have totted up 202.36pts. Insane week.
Both players in this matchup somehow jump up one position in the standings, before 6th-place Milo (EvianDon; 2-2) takes on last-place Trav (yumyucker; 1-3) in Week 5 and 4th-place Paul (helloimpaul; 3-1) will match up against the man whose record he broke, league leader Mosko (fantasyboy12345; 3-1).
🍑 MONDAY NIGHT BLUES 🍑
In a Battle of the Asses, Nic (Dickless Cameltoe; 138.9pts), for the second week running, found himself losing the week in the 4th quarter of the final MNF game, falling to Miles Blue (blueballs; 140.3pts) by 1.4pts. J.K. Dobbins, largely invisible in Monday’s game against the Bengals, ran for 19 yards on his final play of the game, when Blue only needed 2.
Blue has yet to score below 124pts nor has he placed lower than 4th in the all-play rankings so far this season. Nic put up his highest score of the season by over 20pts, third-best score of the week, yet falls to 1-3 (8th).
Blue’s win takes him up to 2nd-place before he faces 7th-place Jakob Cooper (PapiCoop; 2-2) in Week 5. Dickless will hope to break the league’s tied longest active losing streak next week against 9th-place Miles Elliot (Daddy Campbell; 1-3).
MOM GETS BEAT
Sam (mistahbigdick; 127.06pts) was able to break the curse as he became the first person to beat Erik (Miriam Natasha Labovitz; 104.44pts) since he began his quest to be all of our mothers.
Sam (3-1) somehow moves down to 5th before next week’s matchup with 11th-place Christian (Steeler Virginity; 1-3).
Milo (EvianDon) will get a second chance at defeating his matriarch in Week 14, but until then Erik stays 10th and will face 3rd-place Will Price and the Leaping Jesters (3-1) in Week 5.
STARS STAY SHINING
The three managers singled out last week as scary opponents have retained their podium positions, as blueballs’ high score leapfrogs him to 2nd-place over Will Price and the Leaping Jesters. Jakob Moskovitz (fantasyboy12345) stays top for the second week running, boasting the largest PF in the league.
Both Mosko and Will had it easier than Blue this week, as they faced the two lowest scorers and bottom of the table Trav (yumyucker) and Christian (Steeler Virginity), the latter scoring the week’s lowest total for the second time this season. The matchups weren’t close, as Mosko and Will blew out their opponents by 45.46pts and 43.3pts, respectively.
Blue will next face 7th-place Jakob Cooper (PapiCoop; 2-2), who handed our lowly commissioner Miles (Daddy Campbell; 9th) his first win in Week 4.
Will is up next in the Mother Bowl, seeing 10th place Erik (1-3) in Week 5.
In the game of the week, Mosko will come up against his record-stealing foe, 4th-place Paul (helloimpaul; 3-1), who will be looking to find himself on the podium for the first time since Week 2.