CHAMPIONSHIP WAXBALL
AND THEN. THERE WERE FOUR.
As always, I’m your thought I was gonna do better but somehow ended up in 5th with a record of 9-7 which is the exact same as last season so what the fuck, completely neutral statman Nicholas Hamilton. Let’s wrap up Week 16 of Waxball 2025, and preview the CHAMPIONSHIP.
TOPS
We forget, but there is more at stake in this league than getting naked twelve times and it being printed out and shared amongst your friends. There’s money in this too.
After an unbelievable rookie season, no one expected our league leader to fall at the first hurdle. Alas, Paul (helloimpaul; 119.06pts) put up under 120pts for the fourth week running and was subsequently bested by our other newbie in Milo (EvianDon; 138.8pts) who scored over 120pts for the sixth time in the last 8 weeks.
Blue (blueballs; 158pts) put up by far his best score all season, defeating Mosko (egonschiele; 109.7pts) who tried to pull an Erik and changed his name for the battle. It proved fruitless as he was unable to follow up last week’s scorcher (154.8pts) and falls to the 3rd place match.
Mosko was only out of the playoff picture for two weeks all season and sat on the podium for half of the entire regular season. He’ll look to complete his up and down fantasy year with a podium finish against league leader Paul, who looks to avoid the first-place-curse forged by Sam in 2024, who ended the regular season on top and lost both playoff matches to finish in 4th. Whomever wins this battle will receive their buy-in back.
Blue has been on fire in his sophomore fantasy season, yet has only led the league once all year, back in Week 5. Milo started the season cold, before winning 5 of his final six games and rising up the ranks. He held the second-place spot from Weeks 11-13, before Blue pipped him at the post in Week 14 to steal a first-round bye. Milo’s season may be seen as a fortunate one, as if he played every manager every week, he would have a losing record of 73-81. Blue tops that table, with a record of 102-52. The two have only played each other once this season, with Milo coming out on top 155.42-112.52 in Week 10.
The winner of this final battle will take home $900. The loser — $200.
BOTTOMS
Alright, come on. This is what we’re here for. Who is going to lose Waxball 2025 and join Mosko in the ranks of punishment-dom.
In a week of stunners, commissioner Miles (Daddy Campbell; 151.1pts) put up by far his highest score of the season in a year that he only scored 120pts+ twice, this week and Week 14. Trav (yumyucker; 87.52pts) put up his second-lowest score all season this week. His lowest? 79.52pts… scored in a Week 6 loss… against commissioner Miles. Talk about bogey teams. Last week, Trav scored the highest point total in a loss by anyone all season (147.82pts).
Havi (PapiCoop; 96.96) ended the regular season in 11th, after losing 9 of his final 11 games. He’s scored over 100pts only once since Week 10, not including last week’s bye. Havi fell to Christian (Steeler Virginity; 139.94pts) last week, who breathes easy after putting up his best total since Week 11.
This championship week, we find two men at the bottom of the mountain of shit, begging for a morsel of success (or luck) to help pull them up and away from the calendar punishment.
These managers played each other twice in the regular season, with a record of 1-1. Most recently, Trav put up his season-highest score of 170.62pts to trounce Havi by over 40pts in Week 13.
Anything can happen this week, including your bare asshole being seen by eleven other men.
ELSEWHERE
Not that any of this matters, but here are the results and implications of our 5th and 8th place matchups:
Nic and Erik both ended their seasons in dismal fashion, scoring below 100pts and securing 5th and 6th place, respectively. We should both feel ashamed and lucky that we weren’t competing in the toilet bowl.
Sam and Will battled it out until the end in a tight matchup (113.8-116.94) to secure 8th place for Will and 9th for Sam.