I BOUGHT THIS GUN TO SHOOT MYSELF WITH
Congratulations are in order for some. Commiserations for others. I’m gonna unalive Milo’s dog.
As always, I’m your dejected, and yet, completely neutral statman Nicholas Hamilton. Let’s wrap up Week 15 of Waxball 2025.
TOPS
In the top half of the table, Milo (EvianDon; 161.38pts) blew his opponent out of the water with his season-highest score at the most opportune time. His opponent scored a measly 98.64pts, his second-lowest score all season and only the second week he’s put up under 100pts.
It’s heartbreak for Erik, who lost out on a first-week bye by 0.74 PF and falls at the first playoff hurdle. Despite putting up his highest score in three weeks, Erik (Linda Caruso; 124.74pts) fell to an unlikely Goliath in Mosko (Pam Ohno Dagoberg; 154.8pts), who inherited the mom name curse to put up his highest score since Week 2 of the regular season. After squeaking into the playoffs on PF, it’s Mosko’s second win in a row, after losing five consecutive games, after winning three in a row from Weeks 6-8.
The season is over for myself and Erik, who will play for 5th place in Week 16. Milo faces league-leader Paul (helloimpaul; 10-4) and Mosko finds second-place Blue (blueballs; 9-5) to compete for a spot in the final. Milo fell to Paul by over 40pts in Week 4 and Mosko put up the lowest score of anyone this season in Week 11 to fall to Blue (61.14-138.5).
BOTTOMS
As Havi and Miles sat this week out, two polar opposite matchups played out in the first round of the toilet bowl.
In one of the highest-scoring matchups of the year, Trav (yumyucker; 147.82pts)’s monster score couldn’t best Sam (mistahbigdick; 166.12pts), who put up this week’s highest score and his highest score of the season by over 23pts. It’s an unlucky break for Trav who will hope to escape the calendar with a confident win over 12th-place Miles (Daddy Campbell; 4-10). When these two played in Week 6, Miles pulled out the win in a low-scoring matchup (92.56-79.52).
Christian (Steeler Virginity; 84.18pts) continued his poor run of form, as his score dropped for the fifth consecutive week and he fell to Will (Leaping Jesters; 119.5pts), who continued last season’s trend of winning the first toilet bowl game to save himself from punishment. Will’s was the third-lowest score this week, with Christian putting up the lowest and heading towards a matchup with 11th-place Havi (PapiCoop; 4-10) to save his season. The pair’s only matchup came in Week 7, when Christian lost to Havi in a close one (133.26-128.22).
Will and Sam will face off for 8th place in Week 16, meaning both will finish in a lower position than they did last season, albeit with two new managers gracing the league in 2025.
BYES SAY HI’S
Our top two and our bottom two are back in the game this week, as Paul and Blue fight to secure their rightful place in the final, and Havi and Miles vow to upset the natural order of things and fling their opponents into a calendar battle.
A reminder of the stakes:
Whoever makes it to the final is guaranteed money. First overall wins $900, second-place wins $200. The losers of Paul v Milo and Blue v Mosko will have a chance at $100 in Week 17 as they fight for 3rd-place.
Sam and Will are no longer up for the calendar, as Miles, Havi, Christian and Trav are now our lone contenders. The losers of this week’s toilet bowl matchups will compete in Week 17 to not have to endure the shame of a full calendar spread… and I do mean spread.