Jacob Too-Much-skovitz Makes Sure We Can See His Pubes
In a week of multiple agonizingly close defeats, newbie dominance, and a possible season-high score, the entire league can agree on one thing… all of our necks are still intact. More than some can say.
As always, I’m your physically blessed, completely neutral, schlong-ified statman Nicholas Hamilton. Let’s wrap up Week 2 of Waxball 2025.
MOSKO MOSKO MAN
Someone must’ve fed Jacob Moskovitz (fantasyboy12345)’s entire lineup some kind of horse drug this week, as they combined to put up a staggering 170.40pts. That point total would’ve been enough to thrash the second-place Leaping Jesters by 40pts, let alone Mosko’s actual opponent Erik Dagoberg (Ricky McFricky) who failed to crack 100pts for the second week running. McFricky went for a lowly 98.44pts to secure the second-lowest point total of the week, a stat he also achieved in Week 1.
Mosko’s dominating display comes after he was only able to put together 91.12pts in Week 1, proving to Erik that bounce-backs are very possible. Erik will face undefeated Milo Manheim (EvianDon; 2-0) in Week 3, as Mosko lines up against Christian Engelhardt (Steeler Virginity; 1-1).
BAD WEEK TO BE A MILES
An unlucky few days for Miles Elliot (Daddy Campbell; 107.34pts), as his favorite guy was shot in the neck and he was pipped by Sam Labovitz (mistahbigdick; 107.42pts) by just 0.08pts on the week. It’s the first instance this season of an individual player scoring over 35pts on their own (Malik Nabers; 37.7pts) and still not carrying their fantasy manager to a win.
It proved to be a bad week for 2024’s 37th-most popular boy name, as Miles Blue (BlueBalls; 125.84pts) was edged out by Will Price (Leaping Jesters; 127.60pts) to the tune of 1.76pts. To add insult to injury, Blue’s score would’ve been enough to beat everyone in the league this week except for his opponent Will and 170pt monster Mosko.
This foursome will all meet again in Week 3, when BlueBalls faces undefeated mistahbigdick and the Leaping Jesters matches up against Daddy Campbell.
MISSED POINTS PROVE COSTLY
This may be the last week I include this stat, as hindsight is obviously 20/20. That said, if both managers in a matchup that saw Jakob Cooper (PapiCoop; 113pts) take down Trav Rogers (yumyucker; 102.7pts) had played their optimized lineups, Trav would’ve edged Coop by 0.36pts and taken the win.
Trav will hope to snag his first W in Week 3 against Nic (Dickless Cameltoe; 1-1). PapiCoop will take on undefeated Paul (helloimpaul; 2-0)
OUR LEAGUE LEADERS
Two league newbies grace the top of the ladder at the end of Week 2. Paul (helloimpaul) and Milo (EvianDon) sit just below Sam (mistahbigdick) on point difference. Who let these two in here? Is there someone I can call?
EvianDon (100.1pts) just barely cracked triple digits on the week to secure a perhaps fortunate win against this week’s lowest scorer Christian (Steeler Virginity; 88.38pts), who left a possible 127pt total on his bench. Hey, a dub’s a dub.
After realizing late on that Younghoe Koo was inactive, Paul (helloimpaul; 123.34pts) picked up Hawks replacement kicker Tony Romo after the Sunday 4pm games had already kicked off. Romo proceeded to score 18pts in a field-goal fest of a SNF, leading Paul to a 8.56pt win over yours truly (Dickless Cameltoe; 114.78pts).
All three undefeated managers will have a chance to go 3-0 in Week 3, before Milo meets Paul in Week 4.