BLUE BALLS COMETH
After a fierce battle between two 4-1 giants, we have a new league leader. But some gay little Jesters are on his tail.
As always, I’m your grateful, relaxed, finally at peace, completely neutral statman Nicholas Hamilton. Let’s wrap up Week 5 of Waxball 2025.
A NEW PODIUM
A MNF injury to the Jaguars’ Brenton Strange may have been the deciding factor in a tight matchup between two heavyweights in Mosko (fantasyboy12345; 134.74pts) and Paul (helloimpaul; 138.08pts), as Paul leapfrogs into third place with a 4-1 record. Mosko can take solace in still maintaining the highest PF total of 667.56pts, though he drops off the podium for the first time since Week 2.
Mosko’s matchup opened the door for last week’s second- and third-place managers to scooch up a spot each, as Blue (BlueBalls; 138.2pts) and Will (Leaping Jesters; 143.74pts) put up the two highest scores of the week to win their matchups. Blue only barely holds gold, leading Will by just 1.96pts over the whole season so far (662.96 v 661.0). In their Week 2 matchup, Will prevailed by 2.84pts, Blue’s only loss so far this season.
Blue maintains his streak of scoring at least 124pts every week so far, and is yet to fall below the 4th-highest score every week. Will touts the highest score of the week for the second time this season, extending his record win streak to 4.
Week 6 will see another massive matchup, as first-place Blue (BlueBalls; 4-1) takes on third-place Paul (helloimpaul; 4-1), meaning we will have at least one 5-1 manager at the end of the week. Mosko (fantasyboy12345; 3-2) will face 5th-place Sam (mistahbigdick; 3-2) as Will (Leaping Jesters; 4-1) goes up against 6th-place Milo (EvianDon; 3-2).
NO MORE STREAKERS
The tied-longest losing streaks of the season (3L) have ended, as both Nic (Dickless Cameltoe; 2-3) and Christian (Steeler Virginity; 2-3) bookend their young seasons with a win. The longest losing streaks now belong to Jakob, Trav and Erik (2L).
Our reigning champ is proving to be boom or bust, as Christian put up his second highest score of the season (135.02pts), only his second time scoring above 100pts so far. Nic (finally) lands in a matchup of more than 2pts difference for the first time since Week 2, defeating commissioner Miles (Daddy Campbell; 117.14pts) who lost despite putting up his highest score of the season, falling to 10th-place.
Our streak-breakers face each other next week, as 7th-place Nic and 9th-place Christian attempt to pull themselves into the winner’s bracket for the first time since Week 1.
BIG DICK GOES SOFT
The lowest score of the season, a record previously held by Jakob (PapiCoop; 81.92pts) since Week 1, has been snatched by Sam (mistahbigdick; 78.72pts). Sam, who hadn’t scored below 107pts all season, was crushed by Christian (Steeler Virginity; 135.02pts), who put up the 4th-highest score of the week.
Sam doesn’t have it easy in Week 6, facing up against the league’s top scorer in 4th-place Mosko (fantasyboy12345; 3-2). PapiCoop (2-3), after losing his second in a row in a high-scoring battle with podium-topper Blue (BlueBalls; 4-1), falls to 8th and will face 9th-place Erik (*Insert Jakob’s Mom’s Name Here*; 2-3) in Week 6.
THROWING IN THE TOWEL?
He hates to hear it.
I hate to write it.
But yumyucker’s in trouble.
After securing his 0.02pt win over Dickless Cameltoe in Week 3, prolific stage actor and star of The Outsiders (on tour now) Travis Roy Rogers (yumyucker; 1-4) sits at the bottom of the table for the second week running. He is still yet to score over 100pts in a week, putting up 83.32pts against Milo (EvianDon; 115.86pts), the second-lowest score of Week 5.
We reached out to Rogers for comment but have yet to hear back.
He isn’t the only manager at 1-4, but his average of 95.28pts/week puts him in a tricky position ahead of matchup against fellow bottom of the table manager Miles (Daddy Campbell; 10th).