IT’S HALFTIME— AND MY MOM BROUGHT THE ORANGE SLICES
We’re halfway into the Waxball 2025 season, and this fire-crotch fuck just can’t stop winning.
As always, I’m your season-half-done, glass-half-empty, completely neutral statman Nicholas Hamilton. Let’s wrap up Week 7 of Waxball 2025.
MILE HIGH MOM
As my mother took off from Brisbane Airport on her way across the world to visit her loving, doting son, she was somehow also in Denver putting a late-game incantation on Bo Nix. The Broncos QB contributed to four touchdowns in the final quarter of Sunday’s game against the Giants to slingshot Erik (Vicki Atkins; 164.96pts)’s team to a blowout victory over Nic (Dickless Cameltoe; 106.44pts) that seemed out of reach mere minutes prior.
Erik notches the highest score of the week and his highest of the season, pushing him up two places to 8th, just below Nic who moves down from 6th to 7th after the loss. Nic will find 6th-place Milo (EvianDon; 4-3) in a tight Week 8 matchup that may well be decided by bad injuries and untimely byes.
All three of Erik’s wins this season have come when his opponent’s mom’s name consists of only two words. Bad news for his next adversary in 11th-place Miles (Daddy Campbell; 2-5), who’s confided in me that his matriarch’s moniker is indeed only dos palabras.
CALL HIM PAULYAMOROUS
^cuz he’s fucking everyone
For the first time since Week 3, Paul (helloimpaul; 132.86pts)’s point total was not in the top three scores of the week. The lowly sod was only able to put up a fourth-highest performance to knock out Miles (Daddy Campbell; 104.7pts) and extend his win streak to 4W, the longest streak of anyone so far this season. Paul maintains his lone spot on the podium’s peak for the second week running, our only 6-1 manager.
Commissioner Miles puts up the third-lowest score of the week in the loss, and has yet to score in the top half of any week this season, seven weeks in. He matches up against his mom (Erik Dagoberg; 3-4) in Week 8, while Paul and the 3rd-place Leaping Jesters (Will Price; 4-3) joust at the top.
BACK TO SWINGING WAYS
Sam (mistahbigdick; 127.52pts) fought back against the headline-curse rumors to put up his highest score since Week 1 of the season. While it was only enough for the 6th-highest total this week, his matchup against an underperforming Milo (EvianDon; 100.72pts) gave him the W. Milo scored the second-lowest total of the week, his worst performance since Week 3.
Milo drops to 6th-place and will play 7th-place Nic (Dickless Cameltoe; 3-4) in Week 8, while Sam finds league-bottom Trav (yumyucker; 2-5).
IS TRAV BACK?
After this season’s trials and travulations, our very own yumyucker might be about to hit the bounceback he’s been promising. The return of Rashee Rice (23.2pts) and CeeDee Lamb (22.0pts) catapulted him to victory over an unlikely opponent, defeating Blue (blueballs), who went into this week in second-place, by a massive 41.64pts.
The return of Blue’s own IR player in George Kittle (0/2, 0pts) didn’t bode as well for him, as he put up the league’s lowest score of the week (75.14pts). Prior to this week, Blue hadn’t scored lower than 5th-place all season, scoring in the top 3 in four of the seven weeks played. It’s his lowest score of the season by 34.5pts.
The loss knocks Blue off the podium into 4th-place before he matches up with 10th-place Christian (Steeler Virginity; 2-5) in Week 8. Trav will look to keep it rolling against 5th-place Sam (mistahbigdick; 4-3).
FULL MONTY
Entering MNF needing David Montgomery to score only 0.86pts, it was squeaky-bum time for Havi (PapiCoop; 133.26pts) as the Lions RB only amounted to 5.9pts on the night behind an explosive performance by lead back Jahmyr Gibbs (36.8pts). Still, it was enough to hand Christian (Steeler Virginity; 128.22pts) his second loss on the trot, despite putting up the week’s fifth-highest score. Christian continues to be a boom-or-bust manager in 2025, putting up his third score of over 128pts this season, with the rest of his weekly totals not breaching 100pts.
Despite the win, PapiCoop falls to 9th-place as Erik (Gibbs’ manager)’s PF tops Havi’s by less than 3pts. He and a reinvigorated Ja’Marr Chase will look to build a streak against 2nd-place Mosko (fantasyboy12345; 5-2) as Christian faces off against 4th-place Blue (blueballs; 4-3).
PODIUM BATTLE
Two of the league’s heaviest hitters faced off in Week 7 as Mosko (fantasyboy12345; 133.84pts) took down Will (Leaping Jesters; 125.94pts) in a high-scoring matchup that shook up the standings.
Blue’s loss to last-place Trav knocks him down to 4th-place as Mosko and Will clamber over him and onto the podium. Will and Blue’s losses, however, level the playoff picture significantly, as third-place through sixth all sit at 4-3.
In a season that was defined by our top three/four managers being seemingly uncatchable, this proves we’ve still got a lot of football to play. Strap on in boys, season’s not done yet.
A Jac/kob matchup awaits in Week 8, as Mosko finds 9th-place Havi (PapiCoop; 3-4), and another high-level game for Will comes next week against podium-topper Paul, as he looks to snap a two-game losing streak.