PAPI POOP AND KING DON
OUR WAXBALL CHAMP AND OUR SHIT KING HAVE BEEN CROWNED.
WHICH BEGS THE QUESTION… WHAT DOES HAVI’S ASSHOLE ACTUALLY LOOK LIKE, AND IS IT AS UNKEMPT AS THEY SAY?
As always, I’m your completely neutral statman Nicholas Hamilton. Let’s wrap up Week 17 of Waxball 2025.
LITERAL BLUEBALLS
Late on in SNF, Milo (EvianDon) found himself panicking, needing to pad his numbers as much as possible to hang onto a high-scoring championship against Blue (BlueBalls). Both managers had players put up big numbers, with Brock Purdy finishing his season strong with three scores over 30 FFPs and Derrick Henry putting up his best PPR score since Week 2 of 2021.
Blue entered MNF needing Puka Nacua to score 16.5pts, a feat he’d only failed to complete thrice this season. Puka, whose average of 23.3pts is the highest of any WR this season, defied odds by dropping half of his targets and only going for 47yds on the night. A 50yd td on the Rams penultimate drive was chalked off due to a holding penalty, soon followed by a good td, but of only 11yds. If that td was of 20yds or more, Blue would be our champion.
Alas, a 50/50 no-catch call on the second-last play of the game sealed it for the Don, as he pulled away the 2025 WaxBall Championship by a miniscule 0.8pts, one of the tightest wins of the season.
Milo becomes an extremely unlikely victor on paper, as he never led the league and held a losing All-Play record, but came through in the clutch moments, winning all three of his playoff matches.
Blue put up an extremely valiant sophomore season after coming 6th in 2024. He ends this season with the highest PF/game, pipping Paul at the post by 0.25pts/game.
A massive congratulations to both men on a thrilling and competitive championship, one of the best matchups of the season. Milo takes home the grand prize of $900, while Blue has to settle for $200 and a Taiwanese rubdown. Bad luck.
HAVI NEW YEAR
^^ this was gonna be my caption whether he won or lost. I just think it’s clever.
Needing a multiple negative point game from Matthew Stafford in MNF, Havi (PapiCoop) was given false hope by three thrown INTs, but those dreams were shut down fast as the Rams came back from 21-0, allowing Trav (yumyucker)’s QB to put up more than enough points to save himself from calendar duties.
Havi never found himself higher than 6th in the Waxball 2025 standings, and spent 5 of the final 6 regular season weeks in 11th place. After taking a first round bye, he fell to last year’s winner in Christian (Steeler Virginity) before succumbing to Trav in the final week.
There have been two seasons of Waxball, and Havi has appeared in the last place game in both of them, saving himself from the wax last year but unable to avoid the calendar in 2025.
In a season that seemed to hinge directly upon the health of two players, Trav spent 4 weeks in last place before a late season surge. It narrowly wouldn’t project him into the playoffs, as he put up the highest score in a loss this season in Playoff Week 1 to fall to Sam and fell to a surging commissioner Miles last week, but was finally able to pull out the necessary win against Havi to save himself from baring his asshole to his friends while on tour.
Waxball has always been and will always be about the loser. Havi joins the likes of Mosko as our punished managers. And I, personally, can’t wait to get my calendar in the mail.
FIRST PLACE CURSE
Astonishingly, for the second-year running, our regular season league leader has failed to win any playoff games, as Paul (helloimpaul) finishes 4th and outside of the rewards entirely.
After spending Weeks 6-14 in 1st place with the highest PF in the regular season, Paul looked like a shoe-in, at least to make the final. Alas, he was unable to put up over 120pts since Week 12, as his roster weakened at the worst possible time. He put up the lowest score of the week to hand 3rd-place to Mosko (fantasyboy12345) and leaves the 2025 season empty handed.
Mosko, our Waxball loser in 2024, jumped up the ranks this season in a big way, only ever seeing the bottom-6 twice all season. He did put up the season’s lowest score, 61pts in Week 11, but that didn’t stop him from surging during the playoffs, falling only to Blue last week.
This first place curse will be one to keep an eye on as the seasons roll on.