COMMISH SITS ATOP THE PORCELAIN THRONE
The perennial top seed has secured his place in the playoffs, whilst his commissioner instead smells of shit and of piss.
As always, I’m your on the ropes, lucky duckling, completely neutral statman Nicholas Hamilton. Let’s wrap up Week 12 of Waxball 2025.
DAVID FLESH WOUNDS GOLIATH
As recently as Week 7, Trav (yumyucker; 150.22pts) was in 12th-place and had been there since Week 4. The man has never been above 9th-place all season. His average score prior to this week was 92.72pts.
So, although his form had bettered in recent matchups due to the return of Ceedee Lamb and Rashee Rice, his Week 12 win against league leader Paul (helloimpaul; 144.16pts) was perhaps the most unexpected result this season.
Trav pulled off his highest score of 2025 to squeak out a win against a manager in Paul who has only scored outside of the top half of the week twice this season. It’s Trav’s first instance scoring the week’s highest total and it came at an opportune time, as Paul put up the second-highest score this week.
Four of Trav’s five victories this season have come against a manager at least seven spots above him in the table at the time, this being the second time this season that he’s beaten a manager eleven places above him (v BlueBalls; Week 7).
The win boosts Trav up two places into 8th, likely needing to win out to have a chance at the playoffs. His first chance comes in Week 13 against 11th-place Havi (PapiCoop; 4-8) who he fell to 113pts-102.7pts in Week 2.
Despite the loss, Paul becomes our first certain playoff participant as he’ll look to secure a first week bye next week against 7th-place Nic (Dickless Cameltoe; 6-6) who he defeated by less than 10pts in Week 2.
GOLDEN THRONE
Seemingly written in the stars, Waxball commissioner Miles Elliot (Daddy Campbell; 92.92pts) has fallen to his fellow Miles (blueballs; 137.36pts) to take the first toilet bowl slot of the season.
Blue took down Miles in a similar fashion to Week 1, when he also beat his ex-roommate by over 30pts. Erik choosing not to field a TE in Week 12 (more on that later) meant Blue ended the week with a more favorable PF by just 0.86pts, jumping onto the podium for the first time since Week 6.
Similar to Will and the Leaping Jesters last season, Miles has somehow procured both the lowest PF and the highest PA on the 2025 season. His second consecutive loss comes despite his roster holding the week’s two highest scoring defenses and 4th-best kicker.
In Week 13, Miles will look to pull himself out of a first week playoff bye against 8th-place Sam (mistahbigdick; 6-6) who he lost to by an agonising 0.08pts in Week 2. Blue faces a similar challenge, as he matches up against 5th-place Will (Leaping Jesters; 7-5) who defeated him in Week 2 by a mere 2.76pts.
LOOSE END
This week, Erik (Donna Engelhardt; 131.84pts) made use of a tactic I haven’t seen before. Instead of picking up a tight end on the waiver wire and replacing a solid bench player, he decided to keep Gadsden in his lineup, despite the Chargers being on bye.
Ultimately, the tactic yielded a temporary result, as he triumphed over an in-form Christian (Steeler Virginity; 111.44pts) but lost his 3rd-place slot to Blue by 0.86 PF. Time will tell if this decision punishes Erik, as he faces two playoff opponents in Mosko and Milo to end the season.
Christian was unable to follow up his dominant win against Trav last week as he put up the 7th-highest score of Week 12 to fall to Erik. Christian has won 2 and last 2 in the past four weeks, scoring the top score of the week twice and the 7th-highest score twice. Consistently inconsistent.
He’ll look to keep his playoff hopes alive by winning both games against Milo and Mosko in Weeks 13 and 14, opponents he lost both games to early on in the season.
JAYDROP MOSKOSLIPS
Cast your mind back to Week 8. Mosko (fantasyboy12345) was sitting pretty in second, coming off a three-game win streak. He was hot on the heels of league leader Paul, sitting equal to him on record (6-2) and only 11.24pts behind on PF.
Now, only four weeks later, we’re seeing why the phrase “one shalt not direct a play during football season” is so famous.
Mosko (112.56pts) fell to 2nd-place Milo (EvianDon; 134.84pts) for the second time this season, extending his losing streak to 4L, the longest of anyone in 2025.
Since Week 8, Mosko has averaged 93.86pts/wk, compared to his average of 128.88pts/wk in the first eight weeks of the season. His great start to the season has saved him, as he sits in a playoff spot for the 11th week running, albeit only by 32.12 PF.
A tricky end of season schedule awaits Mosko as he faces Erik and Christian, managers who hold an average of 127.04pts/wk and 135.47pts/wk respectively over the past four weeks.
Milo successfully swept Mosko to remain in 2nd and extend his win streak to 4W, the equal-longest of the season. He also faces Christian and Erik to end the season, with just one more win securing his place in the playoffs.
WILLING IT
In a matchup that would end up determining who holds a playoff spot and who sits in 8th, Will (Leaping Jesters; 90.42pts) took a low-scoring win over Sam (mistahbigdick; 81.02pts) to get revenge on Week 1’s trouncing.
Similarly to Mosko, Will was sitting in a podium spot just 4 weeks ago. He’s scored less than 100pts only four times this season, three of which have come in the last four weeks. Will faces Blue and Christian to end the season, hoping to repeat his Week 2 and 3 wins against them to shore up a spot in the playoffs.
Sam was unable to recreate last week’s win against Nic (Dickless Cameltoe) as he continues his inconsistent season — yet to put together a winning or losing streak of longer than two games. He slips back to 8th, where he has now placed thrice this year. Sam faces the two Miles’ back-to-back to end the regular season.
PAPI POOP?
After his first victory in four matchups last week, Havi (PapiCoop; 71.56pts) put up a score under 90pts for the third consecutive week to fall to Nic (Dickless Cameltoe; 101.18pts). It’s Havi’s lowest score of the season and his third time scoring the week’s lowest total.
Havi’s record from Week 3-10 was WLLLWLLL, a trend he looks to continue if he loses the next two games against a tricky Trav and Paul double punch. If he does so, he will almost definitely be in line for a first week toilet bowl bye.
I (Dickless Cameltoe; 6-6) got lucky this week, as I failed to score above 104pts for the third week running yet still pulled off the season sweep on Havi. I ended the 2024 season 7-7, a record I’ll likely have to improve on in order to make the playoffs. It’s unlikely, as I face the same strong pair of Paul and Trav to end the season.